It’s July 4th. USA’s Independence Day. A time to remember our journey of becoming a nation. The day we celebrate our historical release from the rule of a British monarchy.

This land was founded on independence, which in many ways is good. It holds each of us responsible for our own choices, our own path and fuels much of the creativity, innovation and freedom we enjoy.

Taken to the opposite extreme, however, it’s not good. There we come to believe, “I don’t need anyone. I can do it my way. Don’t need you. Won’t listen to that opinion. Not letting anyone else in.” There all sense of community is lost. The desire for belonging, every human craves, is gone. We are no longer our brother’s keeper. We isolate, judge, withhold.

We are meant to be the hands and feet of Jesus in this world. Literally. Physically. Not just talk but action. Will we ever see perfect this on Earth? Probably not. But we are always meant to try. We don’t have to rescue the entire world, only help the one set before us. Today. In whatever form that may unfold.

Anything from a simple hug and smile to:

 “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here to listen.”

“Can I pick up anything at the store for you?”

“Let’s go out to dinner. My treat.”

“Would you like me go with you to that doctor appointment?”

“I‘m coming over to mow your grass, fold laundry, watch the kids, bring lunch, help organize your garage, clean leaves out of the gutters, paint that room, plunge the toilet or just keep you company for a while.”

There’s so many ways we can help the people whose lives intersects ours, some may even require opening our wallet. Independence says: “I‘m too busy”. “I don’t have time”. “That’s their problem.” “That’s not my concern”. “They’ll figure it out.” “I don’t know what to say/do.” And a host of other excuses we come up with to stay independent from others. Dependence requires sacrifice of our time, energy, emotions, money, resources.

Love asks, “What can I do to make your world a better place today? Right now?” Then puts action to it.

In it’s rightful context, there’s nothing bad about independence, but there can be a whole lot right about dependence, a dependence on God and each other to get us through this life.

Happy Independence Day to America! And Happy Dependence Day to Us!

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

James 2:15-16 “If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?”

1 John 3:18 “Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”

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Mike’s first job was a newspaper route, trudging through snow, dodging rain, walking the streets where he and I lived as neighbors in upstate New York, As a kid, I remember seeing him walk past our house with a loaded newspaper sack over his shoulder, each paper removed quickly from the bag, efficiently folded into a tight missile and hurled from the sidewalk into doorways and onto front steps. He saved the money he made and bought a motorcycle, his first ride, when he was finally old enough to drive. He never stopped working after that. When we were first married money was tight, as it is for most couples starting out. Mike took a second job delivering newspapers but now had me to assist. We’d get up at 3 AM every morning. Yawning and blurry eyed, I asked him “Why so early?” He replied, “I guess people like to read the paper with breakfast.” He taught me how to fold a newspaper into a threefold locked and loaded missile and he’d fire them from the open window of our 1967 Chevy Impala into doorways and and onto front steps. He rarely missed. Every employer Mike worked for through the years, moved him quickly into a management position. They saw the same diligence in him I did. My husband was always a hard worker and wise money manager. I never had to worry there wouldn’t be a roof over head, food on the table, a car to drive, clothes to wear. If there was such a thing as a Proverbs 31 man, he fit the description perfectly. He was a Superman provider. He took care of everyone he loved, mostly at his own neglect. I can’t stop thinking about how he left me several weeks ago. They handed me back his wedding ring and the few items in his pockets and took him away with nothing but the clothes on his back. Every material thing he worked for, our home furnished with craigslist.com bargain treasures, two cars in the driveway, a closet full of clothes, all of it, left behind. He took none of it with him. There are moments in life that create a seismic shift in priorities and this is one of them. While I’m grateful for a home and the things needed to live on this planet, I’m acutely aware of what matters most. Jesus summed it up in Luke 10:27, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself." In the midst of all his hard work, Mike loved his Heavenly Daddy fiercely and he cared deeply for people. His most recent sermon, preached several months ago, was titled, ‘People Matter,’ and many are now calling, writing or stopping to tell me how he touched their life. Everywhere we lived and everywhere he worked, he made a positive difference. When the last breath leaves your lungs, when all is said and done, the only thing you take with you is the spirit God placed within you and the impact of the people your life has touched. If we are meant to invest in anything between birth and death, it is these. If you don’t have a personal relationship with God, get one. Now! He has waited since eternity to love you. He wants you with Him when you leave here. So did Mike. So do I. And every morning when you greet a new sunrise, be intentional in positively impacting every person who enters your day. Lift a life. Love them right where they are and show them they are valued. Because in the end this is the conclusion of the matter. This is the ONLY thing that counts.

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“How do you do it? That’s hard.” This is the reaction I usually get when people ask me what I do. When told I’m the full time caregiver for my son, Jon, and I can’t leave my house unless someone replaces me, the common response is, “I couldn’t do it.” What? That’s your child. You’re telling me you wouldn’t do whatever was necessary to take care of your child? Hard or not? Whoever said love is easy? Most songs written about love are suspended in the infatuation phase, the dreamy, it’s all about how it makes me feel beginnings or the, this ain’t working and I’m outa’ here endings. Not too many start in the middle, where follow through, determination, faithfulness and plodding reside. Love can feel scratchy as a tag in the neck of a new shirt or painful as open heart surgery. Love is often messy. Complicated. Gritty. It’s sacrificial action, not just starry eyed feelings. It's giving up much of yourself without giving up on another. It’s relinquishing your desires for the well being of someone else, even and especially when you get very little in return. Sometimes it IS just plain hard. I took Jon back to the sedation dentist the other day. This guy who ignores me half the time and rarely lets me touch him, hugged me long and hard before he went down and out in that chair. He was afraid. Needed reassurance. He held on tight 'cause when life gets tough and scary, he knows who’s there for him. He knows who loves him, who sacrifices for him, who would do whatever it takes to assure his well being. Yet, I'm aware of a love far greater than mine could ever be. For God so loved the world that he gave..(John 3:16). This is how we know what love is, Jesus Christ laid down His life..(1 John 3:16). Love nailed Jesus to the cross. His painful, bloody, horrific love, went all in. ..he [Jesus] gave up all he had, and took the nature of a servant. He became like a human being and appeared in human likeness. He was humble and walked the path of obedience all the way to death—his death on the cross. Philippians 2:7-8 He didn’t choose the easy way. The comfort and sunshine path. The all-about-me road. This love was hard as nails, thick as blood and strong as death. How does 1John 3:16 continue? We too, then ought to lay down our lives for others. Ouch! That’s some tough stuff right there! I can’t produce sacrificial love in my own strength. My selfish humanity rebels against such a thing. I need more of Him. His grace. His transformative power. His love in me, poured out to others. Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:5 Real love isn’t easy or cheap. It isn’t free. True love costs everything. The famous 1960’s song proclaimed, “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” Yes. It’s still true. But not more of ours. More of His!

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Our story inspires people. At least, that’s what I hear. That’s what some tell me. I find that fascinating because it usually doesn’t feel the least bit inspiring while living it. It often feels frustrating, lonely, difficult, challenging, frightening and exhausting. But there’s one thing I’ve figured out about my wise, loving and mysterious God. He enjoys showing up in the middle of our mess! He loves to partner with us to make Himself known. If releasing the Hebrews from bondage was God’s only objective, He could have swooped into Egypt all by Himself and in any number of ways, set the Israelite nation free. So what was the long, drawn out process all about? The negotiating, petitioning, plagues and frustration. Moses was only doing what God had instructed. Why wasn't it easier? Scholars estimate the duration of all the plagues, until Israel’s release, was at least two months and possibly up to a year. The ancient Egyptians worshiped over 2000 deities. They had a god associated with every aspect of life; agriculture, fertility, water, rain, animals, death, insects, earth, sky, sun and moon. Even Pharaoh was thought to be a god. While delivering Israel, Jehovah was also trying to reveal Himself to the nation of Egypt as the One True God. The only way to do so was to prove His power greater over all the gods they imagined. Each plague addressed, at least one and maybe more, of their gods. In His mercy, God orchestrated this series of events to access the heart of Pharaoh and give him opportunity to change. But Pharaoh continually hardened his heart. The 'ahh-hah' moment never came. Pharaoh never accepted the revelation of a real God who cared enough about him to speak loudly and clearly, "I AM THE LORD!" not all these other things you worship. God will go out of His way to make Himself known. If only one Egyptian came to know the One True God in the middle of Israel’s mess, it was worth the struggle. Apparently some believed, because Exodus 12:37&38 tells us, "That night the people of Israel left Rameses and started for Succoth..a rabble of non-Israelites went with them.." This thing you're going through right now might not be only for or about you. It might be so others see God's power at work in you while He is simultaneously orchestrating your solution. Don't be discouraged because your rescue, problem or promise is taking so long. Be patient. Trust the process. Remember others are watching. Someone else could be changed because of your faith and trust in a time of trouble. Someone else could see God's power at work in your struggle and have that 'ahh-hah' moment. "When I raise my powerful hand and bring out the Israelites, the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord" Exodus 7:5. Someone else could come to know He Is Lord, because of what He is doing for YOU! Exodus 9:29 “All right,” Moses replied. “As soon as I leave the city, I will lift my hands and pray to the Lord. Then the thunder and hail will stop, and you will know that the earth belongs to the Lord." Exodus 14:4 "I have planned this in order to display my glory through Pharaoh and his whole army. After this the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord!” Exodus 14:17&18 "My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers. When my glory is displayed through them, all Egypt will see my glory and know that I am the Lord!”

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I have a revelation about resolutions. I'm not good at keeping them. And after watching sixty-some New Years come and go, I don't make them anymore. I also have a resolution about revelations. IF I spend time listening to the still, small voice of my Heavenly Father, He lovingly reveals areas in my life where I need to change. I can tackle problem areas with greater ease when He enlightens. I move forward in divine grace, instead of by the sheer determination of my limited human effort. The Creator God of Heaven and Earth and Me, knows what I need better than anyone so I can move forward into the New Year with confidence. For the One.."who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5 No one is more interested and invested in our progress and improvement than God. As we walk in His enabling power, we are continually becoming new and renewed. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17 God specializes in New! He specializes in You! Start a personal revolution. Let His Revelation become your Resolution. Spend some time listening and surrendering and have a Happy, new and improved you, in 2017!

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Chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Not at our house. Jack Frost rarely nips at our nose (nor do we ever dream of a white Christmas), since we live in Florida. A few Yuletide carols may be sung by a choir at our Christmas service, but since Trinity is a non-traditional, contemporary church, even that's debatable. We will have a turkey this year, but no mistletoe and no tiny tots hanging around with their eyes all aglow. Just a Jon who gets up when he feels like it and takes five hours to open ten gifts. According to this picture perfect Christmas song, our chances for a Merry Christmas are poor indeed. We score about one and a half out of five. Are you feeling it right now because your Christmas isn't Hollywood perfect? Cheer up, the first one wasn't any better: An unwed, teenage mother. No baby shower, but plenty of rumors. A disgraced marriage. An annoying, inconvenient, tax-registering trip. A baby born in a barn (with no nurse, diapers or cradle). Scruffy shepherds as newborn visitors. A jealous king sending out spies and assassins. An emergency escape by night to another country. The truth of Christmas is that God willingly jumped over-His-head-deep into the chaos of earth's struggles. The First Christmas was so...human. It was scandalous. It was messy. It was so earthly, many passed right on by. And because His arrival seemed nondescript to most, people missed its significance. And still do. If it's not "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for you and a Norman Rockwell or Thomas Kinkade Christmas depiction is not happening where you are; happiness disregards you, money is tight, relationships stressed, someone deeply loved is gone and greatly missed, or possibly your only Christmas wish this year is for yourself or a sick loved one to heal, there's no need to collapse in despair. No need to feel alone. No need to be paralyzed with fear. Real life doesn't stop for Christmas. BUT! Christmas came to invade every detail of our messy human existence and inundate whatever is occurring in our personal universe at the moment. God came to us as one of us and He understands. He will walk with us through it all if we let Him. Stop, surrender and make room for Him this Season. And have yourself a Very Merry Messy Christmas now! "Christ, by highest heaven adored; Christ, the everlasting Lord; Late in time behold him come, Offspring of the Virgin's womb. Veiled in flesh the Godhead see; Hail the incarnate Deity, Pleased as man with man to dwell; Jesus, our Emmanuel! Hark! the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King!"   Home For the Holidays - painting by Norman Rockwell, 1950 Christmas Cottage - painting by Thomas Kinkade, 1990 "Hark The Herald Angels Sing," Charles Wesley, 1739

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When our boys were crawling babies and old enough to start noticing and exploring the world around them, Mike would often pick them up and carry them, through the house, outside, in malls or restaurants, just about anywhere at any random moment, and show them things up above their vision. Since they spent their entire day on the floor it was almost impossible to see or know what was up above.He let them touch clocks, pictures, candles and other things hanging on walls. He showed them flowers, plants, leaves, trees. He let them look out windows, took them into closets and pointed out items on shelves and walked them in restaurant lobbies to let them see whatever was at eye level. Every item seen or touched was prefaced with, "Wow! What is that?" Then he would name it and add a simple explanation, "That's a clock. It's round. Watch that second hand go. That's pretty awesome isn't it?" Watching their precious faces light up at the discovery of some new wonder was priceless as they absorbed the novelties of their world and every tiny discovery in amazement. These 'Wow Walks', as we came to call them, resulted in Jon's first word, not being DaDa or MaMa, but "Wow!" Our nine month old crawling and exploring grandson was with us last week. The first thing Mike did when Asa was comfortable with us holding him, was take him on a "Wow Walk." He had quite a few of them while he was here, to the point where if he was fussy, his mom or dad would ask him, "Asa, do you want Grampy to take you on a Wow tour?" The answer was a big smile and outstretched arms. His way of saying, "Yes Grampy, take me, take me."As we age and mature, we often lose this childlike sense of wonder. The responsibilities, problems and heaviness of our existence on this planet can easily mire us down, into negativity and despair; things once new and exciting as a child become commonplace. We can see a beautiful sunset, without celebrating it, walk past a rose without smelling it or look at a rainbow without contemplating its mystery. We begin evaluating others through eyes of cynicism or mistrust and miss moments of joy and beauty in everyday life. Why are we reminded by Jesus to remain, not childish in behavior, but childlike in faith? “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3). I believe He knew how quickly the belief and wonder could fade; after all, He was here, walking as one of us, when He said this. He also came to return that sense of amazement to life. Not just a, plodding along, trying to keep our head up and survive, sort of reality, but abundance (John 10:10). Is the wonder and joy of life far from your grasp? Do the problems and struggles you face keep you down? God can lift you up. Let Him lift you from the floor of limitation. Trust him as a small child trusts a loving grandfather. Reach for Him with outstretched arms. Allow Him to carry you higher and show you great and marvelous things. Lift up your eyes, believing there is much more above and beyond where you are right now. Don't settle for a 'Woe Is Me’ walk through life. Make it a 'WOW’ walk! But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14 "Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” Luke 18:17 "The thief comes but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10 "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." Psalm 3:3 "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2 "But as it is written, eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

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ASSUMPTION: a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof, Or the Categorizing of People We Don’t Know, Under Labels:   Myth- All people with Down syndrome are always sweet and happy. Fact- I live with one who isn't always sweet or happy and know of several others who cry a lot. Myth- All Puerto Ricans love rice and beans. Fact- I know one who could care about rice and beans. In fact, I'm a white Yankee from New England and I love rice and beans. Myth- All black people are thugs and takers. Fact- I have a lot of wonderful black friends who are hard working, loving and giving citizens. Myth- All Mexicans are illegal. Fact- I know people of Mexican descent who are awesome legal Americans. Myth- All Moslems are terrorists. Fact- I know of several Moslems that are just as concerned about terrorism as I am. Myth- All white people hate...anyone else...who isn't white. Fact- The white people I know don't hate anyone. If God made you purple with pink stripes or green with yellow dots, I'd still like you. Myth- All people living in the south are racist, redneck, hicks. Fact- Been living in Florida sixteen years, if this is true I sure know a whole lot of really nice non-racist, redneck, hicks. Myth- All people who disagree with my opinion, lifestyle, and behavior are haters. Fact- I’ve been married for four decades to a man I sometimes disagree with. We don’t hate each other. Ever. Myth- All cops are racist murderers. Fact- I have police friends who pray they never have to draw a gun on anyone and want to go home to their family at the end of each day, like the rest of us. Myth- All Pentecostals swing from chandeliers. Fact- I've been in Pentecostal/Charismatic type churches most of my life and have never seen anyone swing from a chandelier. In fact I've never been in a church building that had chandeliers to swing from. Myth- All pastors are after your money. Fact- I've been married to a hard working pastor for four decades. He's never been after anyone's money, not even mine. Myth- All Clinton supporters are left wing, communist liberals. Fact- I know people who supported Hillary and they aren't communists. They had their own well thought out reasons for wanting her as President. Myth- All Trump supporters are right wing, racist, homophobic, narrow minded, bigots. Fact- I know people who supported Trump and they aren't any of those things. They had logical, personal reasons for wanting him as our nation's leader. Myth- God only likes Democrats/Republicans/Libertarians (pick one). Fact- "God so loved the world..." He didn't pick and choose. He didn't die for Trump supporters over Clinton voters. He didn't die for Pentecostals more than Catholics. He doesn't love white people more than black or Moslems less than Americans. Jesus came and loved on sinners, publicans, religious leaders, prostitutes, big mouths, crooks, fishermen, soldiers, sick, broken, tired, and messed up people. He loved and died FOR ALL. So, how about WE THE PEOPLE put away 'childish things’; end the bullying, name calling, mudslinging (even though our politicians won’t), the kicking, screaming, whining and temper fits because we didn't get what we wanted and get to the business of making our home, church, neighborhood, community, state and country a better place. Jesus calls us to a higher standard, "But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell" Matthew 5:22. Can we be mature adults? Stop labeling? Stop categorizing? Stop forcing our agenda on others? Stop believing everyone is our enemy because their opinion, their politics, their social status, their..whatever... is different from our own?How about we invite that ‘opposing person’ out for coffee or lunch? Sit and really listen to another perspective with an open heart, instead of an angry reply. Honor her/him because God cares about her/him and value her/him for who she/he is instead of tripping over what we want them to be. Give someone a chance when we don't think they deserve it, because we’d like the same courtesy extended to us. WE THE PEOPLE can end the division among us and we don't need a President to tell us how to do that! Let’s freely give others the benefit of a doubt and release all assumptions. Jesus is our example. We can choose to take up our cross and follow Him. Then the world will know we are His, not by our agreement, but by our love. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.” 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I stopped those childish ways." Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." John 13: 34 “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.” Matthew 5:43-45 ““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.”

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I watched it, from my kitchen window, fluttering against the screen, desperate to get out. The butterfly was trapped. It flew in through the large roof opening of our pool frame, a hole the hurricane left behind when a screen came loose in the wind. The butterfly showed no interest in the array of flowers we've planted inside, it wanted out and bumped along the side panels until it needed to rest, finally clinging to the screen instead of flying against it. I dried my hands, grabbed a Rubbermaid container and lid and went out on the deck. I figured if I could trap it inside the container I could set it free, but it flew off before I could catch it. I grabbed the pool scoop, the thing that looks like a large butterfly net, and followed the creature, gently swiping at it as it darted and glided above my head. Opening the screen doors on each end of the enclosure, I attempted to guide it to freedom, but it flew too high or darted away in another direction. Butterfly obviously didn't understand my good intentions. It couldn't believe I was concerned for its welfare, though several times it was only inches from the open door. "You're so close! Come on Butterfly. Work with me. I know this is scary for you but I'm trying to help you here. Why can't you understand, I'm just trying to help you be free?" Eventually the butterfly exhausted itself and rested again, on a side screen, within reach and I gingerly set the Rubbermaid container over it and slid the lid underneath. The frightened creature panicked and crashed violently against the walls of the plastic prison. I carefully carried it outside, far away from the pool enclosure and lifted the lid. The butterfly burst from captivity and soared away above the trees in a joyous dance of freedom. In every place where my mind, heart and soul are trapped, every obstacle I so violently and fearfully bump up against, every towering wall I encounter with no escape, God is on a continuous rescue mission to set me free. He is there waiting, as I kick against my prison walls, believing I must find my own way out. He longs to show me how to soar. He patiently moves me closer to the open door, closer to liberty, while my heart flutters in fear and my soul lifts in pride. My Merciful Father patiently waits until I retreat in exhaustion and there, submit to the gentle nudge of His heart to my own. "Come on Daughter. Work with me. I know this looks scary and you don't understand, but I'm trying to help you. I'm just trying to set you free. Trust Me." With gentle restriction He apprehends me, changes me, and then sets me free to rise above the challenges of my own thoughts, heart and life. Wings are not meant to fly against obstacles, but over them. Wings take us places we can't normally go. Wings are meant for freedom. Today, I submit to God's capture. I will Trust Him, because soon, confinement will be over. Freedom will come at last. And I will soar. Isaiah 40:31(NKJ) “but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings..” Acts 26:14-15 (AMP) “ And when we all had fallen to the ground, I heard a voice in the Hebrew dialect saying to me, ‘Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me? It is hard for you to kick [repeatedly] against the goads [offering pointless resistance].’ And I said, ‘Who are You, Lord?’ And the Lord said, ‘I am Jesus..” Galatians 5:1 (ERV) “We have freedom now, because Christ made us free. So stand strong in that freedom. Don’t go back into slavery again.” John 8:36 (ESV) “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

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I awoke at 3:42 AM in a heart racing panic and find myself at this place more often than I care to admit. It weighs heavy in the back of my mind, no matter how I try to push it away, the unknown haunts me. What will become of my son when we are no longer here? With the passing of every year, every birthday, his and mine, the question looms larger. So I guess it's confession time. It's time for me to admit, to say it out loud; I don't trust God in this. My re-occurring fear and worry prove it. I'm convinced no one will take care of him as well as I do, after all I Am Mom and have invested most of my life here. Other than Mike, who else will care enough to do that? I don't know and the not knowing eats at me, plagues me and some days, consumes me. Trusting God with a child is a tall order for any parent. We are so hands on, heart invested, all in, with our kids and it's easy to default back to a place of worry. But a child, who needs continual, life time supervision and assistance, elevates investment levels to exponential heights. So often I feel like the dad who brought his son to Jesus and cried out, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" Maybe Jesus understands this parental desperation more than we know. He healed the boy in spite of dad's wavering faith. And that gives me hope. I've thought a lot about faith. What is it? How does it work? What should it look like in my life? Honest questions from a girl who grew up in a church culture equating struggle, disaster, illness, and tragedy with a condemning lack of faith; feeling failure and shame whenever my sunshine, lollipops and rainbow life disappeared behind onimous black clouds for a season. Understanding what it means to really trust God has been a huge re-learning process for me. I've seen His unlimited goodness and faithfulness through the years, in both the easy and hard places of my life, but realize I'm still lacking when it comes to radically abandoned trust. I've also lived long enough in my Heavenly Father's amazing grace to understand we are always in process. Every day and every situation brings new opportunities for my faith to rise to higher levels. An infant isn't a full grown adult one week, one month or even a year after he is born. He grows incrementally day after day, over the span of many years. And we don't condemn him for it. A twenty year old will not have the wisdom and experience of a seventy year old. Full maturity comes with time and age. We know instinctively this is the natural order of things, yet we Christ followers can beat ourselves and others up when we are not spiritual giants overnight. Wayne Jacobsen (thegodjourney.com) put it like this: "I like the process of God winning us to trust. It's not that we should trust Him or have to act like we trust Him even where we don't. God wins us...I think life puts us in different points of extremity..but those opportunities when He says, "OK, we're going to go deeper here, you're going to get to learn to trust Me more"...I think all of my days I'm still going to find myself in places going, "OK, my trust doesn't extend here yet, but God let it." Maybe that's the Author and Finisher of our faith, He's going to grow it into a reality...the faith I live in today was not mine to produce but [grew as] I cooperated with Him." When Jesus calls out his followers with, "Oh, you of little faith," we see it as a negative, a criticism, a scolding, but maybe it was more of a reminder than a rebuke. After all, He said we only need faith the size of a mustard seed to throw a mountain into the sea (Matthew 17:20). A mustard seed is slightly larger than a grain of sand. That's tiny! Could He be telling us we don't need as much as we think, we just need to exercise what we already have and watch it produce? After all He does the work, the miracle, the impossible. We just do the believing. There's a tension, a balance, between planning for the future and worrying over it and our manual for living, the Bible, addresses both. Proverbs 6:6-8 tells us to consider the ant who stores up and plans for the days ahead. Jesus tells us to consider the lilies who don't fret or toil but are clothed in beauty by the Provider of all things (Luke 2:27-40). While we plan as much as possible for Jon's future, we must trust God with the rest. We do our part and believe He will do His, because He always has. Today, I absorb what Apostle Paul stated in Philippians 4:6-7, into my heart, mind and spirit, "Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ." So Lord, today, I give Jon and his future back to You. Once again, I lay him at your feet and place him in Your capable hands, knowing You have a good plan already in mind for him. I thank You for it, even in my inability to see or control it. I may need to do this again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, Father, but I offer my mustard seed faith to you, thankful for Your patience while it grows into larger trust I have yet to obtain. Lord, I believe. Please touch those places in me where I don't believe, those areas filled with doubt, worry and fear. I give them, along with my son, to You and thank You for never giving up on me but continuously calling me into Your amazing faith, trust and peace. Today I choose I choose Faith. Today I choose Trust. Today I choose You! "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." ~Corrie Ten Boom Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Proverbs 6:6-8 "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Luke 12:27 “Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

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I celebrated another birthday last month. An odd thing about the years adding up, you realize how much you don't know while also becoming wiser in the things you do know. Quite paradoxical, I've surmised. So on the wisdom theme; I've been thinking about clichés lately, both biblical and otherwise, those phrases we throw around as magic wand solutions to life. You know, stuff like "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," God won't give you more than you can bear;" statements that help us feel better when we don't know what else to say. I've been wondering where they came from and if they're actually true. Lately I've been contemplating this one: "Is your glass half full or half empty?" and have decided I don't want my cup to be half anything. I want it filled to the brim and overflowing with thankfulness, grace, love, encouragement, joy, laughter and peace. God has blessed me in many ways this past month, my glass is full and I want to acknowledge a few of these blessings with gratitude.

• My husband took me out, brought me flowers and spoiled me. He spoils me all year actually and I'm awestruck that he has celebrated four decades of birthdays with me so far. I don't deserve such love and loyalty.

• We were able to visit our son, David, his wife, Clara and our cute, adorable, babbling, hug-able, my-heart-is-bursting-with-love, little grandson, Asa, for a long weekend. Someone please remove the stars from my eyes and forgive me for turning into the obnoxious grandmother I said I'd never be!

• I have great friends! Three of them brought a surprise lunch to me on my birthday, cooked it in my kitchen and served me at my table. For someone who spends half her life in the kitchen (or so it seems) it doesn't get much better than this. A few days ago, friends from Kissimmee drove up and stayed the day, brought gifts, food, laughter, a massage table (with essential oils! Ahhh!) and took me out for dinner before going home. And I had a night out with another beautiful friend this week who is rich in wisdom, overflows with love, makes me laugh way too much (if that's possible), and challenges my heart and brain with stimulating conversation. God has surrounded me with the very best of His human creation.

• I was able to get Jon to his dentist appointment on time (miracle!) and as he was waking up from sedation (our doesn't want to be touched and doesn't talk much son), held my hand and began quoting the 23rd Psalm and singing The Lord's Prayer. God gives us deep glimpses into our Jon's heart now and then, and reminds me that the heart of a person is more valuable than what is seen on the outside.

• I'm not running marathons, but I'm more pain free and healthier than I've been since I was in my twenties, thanks to the knowledge I've gained in recent years about diet and nutrition. God has been faithful to lead me down a path of understanding my body as a temple of His Holy Spirit, and all this entails.

Life is far from perfect, there are constant obstacles and challenges but the longer I live, the more I’m aware of the perfection that exists in beautiful moments of time. Yet our selfish flesh loves to wallow in the mud of misery, negativity and pity. The enemy of our mind and soul delights in reminding us how hard our situation is, how difficult that person is, how we don't have enough, how we aren't enough and most of all that our God is too small! I can choose to remain mired in negatives and dwell on downers or allow Jesus to fill my cup to the brim with goodness, mercy and joy. Remember, an overflowing cup is going to spill all over somebody. With every today, I want to live in a refreshing overflow of God's presence, discovered in the richness of an imperfect life. Perfection in imperfection, it's the ultimate paradox lived in and through Christ. John 7:38 "He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" John 4:14 "But whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a fount of water springing up to eternal life." Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good treasure of his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil treasure of his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." Proverbs 4:23 "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." Psalm 68"19 "Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits, The God of our salvation!"  

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The topic of lives that matter has been at the forefront of news lately, so I might as well add another group to the fray, one that receives little to no headlines, attention or protests. In 2013, Robert Saylor, a man with Down syndrome died of asphyxiation after three off duty policemen moonlighting as security guards, restrained him to the floor in handcuffs when he refused to leave a movie theater. His caregiver's pleas for understanding were apparently disregarded when Robert wanted to see the movie again. Last week, Arnaldo Rios Soto, a man with autism, watched police shoot his caregiver on a Miami street. Arnaldo had wandered from his group home carrying a favorite metal toy truck in his hand. Someone called the police when they saw Arnoldo, describing him as a man with a gun, acting erratically. His caregiver, Charles Kinsey, was trying to coax him out of the street to safety when police arrived. As Kinsey tried desperately to explain Arnaldo had autism and the object in his hand was a toy truck, an officer discharged his gun at Arnaldo shooting Kinsey instead. Police officers have protocols to follow and tough judgment calls to make based on their best assessment of a situation and the developmentally disabled rarely fit the cooperation profile. During one of Jon's wandering episodes he was handcuffed and held in the back of a police car when he failed to answer an officer's questions or supply his name. To the untrained, the developmentally challenged can be perceived as dangerous and they experience more misunderstandings with police than any other population.* This week in Tokyo, Japan, Satoshi Uematsu a former employee of a residential facility for the disabled, broke in during the night and stabbed nineteen sleeping people to death and wounded twenty five more. Earlier he had written a letter that stated, "all disabled should cease to exist," and "the disabled can only create misery." The first people exterminated during Hitler’s 'purify the race' campaign were not Jews, but the disabled or feeble minded, as he chose to label them. Our Jon would have been the first to die, had we been alive in that decade. It seems no population is exempt from injustice and violence in a world where human hearts trade fear for discernment or choose evil over righteousness. A recently released movie, "Me Before You," based on the novel by the same name, is a fictional story of a handsome, athletic young man from a wealthy family who is spine injured in an accident and becomes a paraplegic. It's meant to be a tear jerker romance, but, of course, I found myself watching this story through the filter of disability and its connection to the value of a human life. The final message of the movie was disappointing, (spoiler alert!) the life of a disabled person is not worth living so the young man travels to Switzerland to die by assisted suicide. Significance is defined as the quality of being important, large enough to be noticed or have effect or influence, to be worthwhile, valued. Everyone longs to matter. WH Auden, a poet from the 1930's wrote, "..for who can bear to feel himself forgotten." We celebrate celebrity, worship achievement, want to be a 'somebody' and leave our mark on the world; a bigger than life personal graffiti wall that boldly states "I was here!" Our culture glorifies importance based on many factors: success, fame, wealth and influence, to name a few. Disability that achieves the earmarks of worldly success is glorified, but not all disabled persons contribute in ways others consider worthwhile. Does this make their lives less valuable? I don't have answers to all the tough questions about disability in the world, but our answer to the question of value usually depends on our worldview. This is mine: "God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.." (Genesis 1:26) and "the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul" (Genesis 2:7). If we believe God is the creator, author and beginning of all human existence, there can never be any doubt all lives matter. When Jesus told us to "love your neighbor as you love yourself" (Mark 12:3), He didn't offer any exceptions, in fact He stated no other commandment was greater. He gave the example of two people groups embroiled in a cold racist war with one another in the parable of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), to illustrate what this love looks like. Violence is a heart issue and will never be resolved until these words of Jesus are understood in the heart of every person and become standard practice. If we are breathing God's air on this planet He made, His life is in us, regardless of race, color, gender, preference, ability and age; we are His precious treasure. What others see when they look at us, our outward appearance, is only the packaging for the treasure inside and the wrapping, as beautiful as it might be, is never valued over the gift it holds. We are significant because God thought we were worth creating. He paid for our life with His, and extends nail scared hands to all humanity as proof of His investment in us and as a personal guarantee that we are top priority. Jon matters. You matter. I matter. God said so. And that should be good enough for all of us. Psalm 139:14-16 “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them..” Psalm 22:10 “ I was placed in your care from birth. From my mother’s womb you have been my God.” *"Disabled people are four to ten times more likely to face violent crimes than the general population, including police violence, sexual assault, hate crime, bullying, robbery, and murder. According to the recent Ruderman report on media portrayal of police violence towards people with disabilities, at least one third to one half of all police violence cases covered by the media involves the disability community. ~ "#BlackDisabledLivesMatter vs #AllDisabledLivesMatter" by Pharaoh Inkabuss, blackautist.tumblr.com~

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Our son, David, texted me from Wisconsin, where he, Clara and little grandson, Asa, were at Clara's parents for the week with the rest of her siblings, their spouses and kids for a family gathering. David's text said Asa was meeting his many cousins for the first time. Without much thought my reply was, "That's fun, because he'll never have any on this side." "Yeah, I've been thinking about that." He responded. It hadn't hit me until this moment; David's children will never have cousins from our side of the family. It was another 'never' moment in our life with Jon and I was suddenly saddened with a loss I fought for several days. Loss always brings varying levels of grief and comes in many forms, through death, rejection, betrayal, disappointment, regret, hijacked hope, disabled dreams or what could have been. We swim in this deep ocean of life, joyfully splashing, serenely floating or treading water, when loss washes over us like an unexpected wave. We're swept under by its powerful force, breathless and fearful, struggling to find air and a way to resurface. I don't know, maybe other parents of special needs kids do this better than me, but I still experience blindsided takeovers in my life with Jon. I'm buzzing along in our daily thing, trusting God, thankful for the blessings we have when it hits again, another huge wave, reminding me of more 'nevers'. You'd think after all these years I'd see it coming but they still catch me off guard. My heart sinks, panic and desperation threaten. I spit and sputter and cry out to God, once again, asking to be pulled from the depths of despondency. And He does. He always does. He reminds me He understands my mother's heart. He assures me He is there to bring me through. And He keeps His promises. When the wave subsides I rise again and get back to the good in life, looking on the bright side with a completely full, instead of half empty cup, counting my blessings instead of my lack. Asa won't have cousins here it's true, but he will have grandparents who love him. And because he has Uncle Jon in his life he will grow, as did his father, to be kinder, gentler, more compassionate and more accepting of other's differences. Our grandson will be shaped and influenced by the unique dynamic of our family in ways others cannot offer. Each of us have opportunities to dwell on the can't, the won't and the never. Yours are probably different than mine but we all have them. It's human to be pulled under the waves of despair at times but it's NEVER okay to stay there. Drowning is certainly an option, but not a good one. Ecclesiastes 3:1, says there's a season for everything, so we do our grieving, kicking and flailing, then grasp the hand God extends beneath the turbulent waters of living, resurface, breathe and move on. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.." Isaiah 43:1-2. Here’s one ‘never’ I can rejoice in. There's never a need to drown in despair! My God possesses perfect life guarding skills. He will always carry me back to solid ground.   Psalm 40:2 “He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 42:11 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." Ecclesiastes 3:1 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..”

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This year, as the calendar would have it, I experience Jon's birthday and Mother's Day just a few days apart. Jon's birthday never goes as (we) planned. We wanted to take him out, he didn't want to go. We had cake, balloons and gifts ready at 11am, he stayed in his room until 7:30 pm. He wouldn't let us sing "Happy Birthday" to him, he wanted to play "Bad Moon Rising" on YouTube instead (??!!). The candles had to burn all the way down to wax craters inside the top of the cake before he'd blow them out. Mike waited up until 11:30 for gift opening to commence and couldn't last any longer. He went to bed and gifts were finally completed at 12:45 am, with me falling asleep on the sofa. Jon was just getting started. He's thirty-six now. I'm not really 'raising' him anymore. Those days are over and he sorta' does what he wants around here. But I'm not really done parenting him either or maybe it's more of an advisory enforcer role, reminding him to shower, shave, take his meds, not wander away and to quit hijacking kitchen utensils he doesn't use and bills from the desk drawer, he'll never pay. I drag him to doctor and dentist appointments and talk him into getting a haircut whenever he starts getting the caveman look. We're caught in a weird time warp somewhere between unreasonable toddler, love-able kid, ornery teenager and grumpy old man. It all depends on the day or maybe the hour. There's no category for that I suppose. Then I went to an awesome mother's lunch yesterday and it got me wondering what Mom category I fit into. The mom with the most kids, the most grandkids, the most great-grands, the oldest, the youngest, the newest, the singles and the all-done-empty-nesters were acknowledged and asked to stand. I was confused. I'm sorta' that one, but not really. I'm half the other one but not sure if half counts. So I stayed seated. Not that it matters much. Standing or sitting, I'm still two guy's mom and happy for it. I realize Mother's Day isn't perfect for some of us. Some have loss, rebellion, prison, prodigal, estrangement, medically fragile and unusual when it comes to kids and some who want children never have them. Life throws reality at us and we mourn, cry, kick and scream for a while then get up and keep going. God keeps us strong in all of it. We are HIS daughters, whether we have twenty kids or none, typical kids or not. He doesn't categorize or compare. We are just loved, valued and precious to Him. So here's a shout out to all God's daughters. Whatever earth bound category you fall into (or not) may you know He delights in YOU today. YOU are the blessed of the Lord. YOU are the Apple of His Eye. And YOU are His favorite (after me of course :). Happy Mother's Day! Psalm 115:14-15 “May the Lord continue to bless you and your children. You will be blessed by the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you..”  

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One week ago our grandson, Asa Connis, pushed his way into the world and added a brand new dimension to life. After sixty years, I've finally joined the Grandmother Club and I'm still trying to understand the overwhelming love I feel for this tiny guy when I haven't met him yet. According to Google maps he is five hundred and seventy two miles away from me, but the evidence of his awaited arrival, streams daily onto my iPhone screen, giving me faith to believe he finally exists and hope for the day I will soon meet him. I've received a sound clip of his first cries and a picture of him in his first hour. I can scroll through my phone for more pictures; him bundled up in his car seat, sleeping in little footie pajamas, wearing the little hat we bought him, curled up in a classic fetal position in his newborn diaper, and a heart melting video of him sporting hiccups on his dad's lap. We are accumulating a massive amount of evidence Asa has arrived, in texts, updates and FaceTime calls. Though I have not felt the weight of him in my arms or seen his adorable little face with my own eyes, I know my grandson is here. Because we live in a physical reality, we often have trouble believing something not yet seen or experienced. Faith is defined as "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 1:6). Some believe if God can't be seen He doesn’t exist, yet place great faith in what can be physically seen, but not fully trusted. We trust the driver coming toward us in the other lane will stay there, the airplane will remain in the sky and take us safely to our destination, the grocery store will have needed food when we pull in the parking lot, and our paycheck will arrive at the end of the week. We trust the pill the doctor gave us will make us better, the water coming out of our faucet is safe to drink, the repairman will show up to fix our hot water tank and the roof overhead will remain intact during the next storm. We trust in so many temporary things, but fail to trust our Creator and Eternal God. There are those who sincerely set out to disprove the existence of God but found it impossible to do so. Lee Strobel, in his book, "The Case For Christ," and Josh McDowell, in his book, "Evidence That Demands a Verdict," both explain how extensive research to disprove the reality of God led to their transformation from atheist to believer. Unlike these men, though I've never seen God with my own eyes, I've believed in Him most of life. There is overwhelming historical proof He came to Earth through His son Jesus, and for those with open hearts, evidence He exists is all around us. For me, He shows up in numerous ways everyday; in the intricate designs of nature, in the laughter of a friend, in the quiet thoughts and impressions downloaded into my heart and mind, in His written Word gifted to us as a life manual, and in the miracle of my precious new grandson. Jesus said to His disciple Thomas, "Because you have seen me, you believe. Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe" (John 20:29). If seeing is the only way to believe, then true faith is absent and without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). If you love someone you want to make them happy and steadfast faith makes God happy.   In this life I see in part, the things of Heaven and Eternity are obscured, as if I'm looking through a distorted mirror. This often creates a faith crisis. 1 Corinthians 13:12 tells me, "for now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." Bottom line, God simply desires a life of total trust from me, even and especially when, I can't see clearly. My trust demonstrates I understand how much He loves me and how He has my best interest in mind. Always. God has set a date (Psalm 139:16) when I'll leave the boundaries of this earth and go home to Him. I will finally see my Savior face to face (John 3:2) and the faith, I've struggled to hold onto through all the storms of life, will finally become sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). For now, I'm seeing my grandson through a glass screen, but a trip is planned and soon I will see him face to face. I'm excited. So I press on, looking forward to the time I see little Asa and eventually, one day, my Heavenly Father.. ..with unwavering Grandmother faith. "For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well." 2 Timothy 1:5 "We shall behold Him O yes, we shall behold Him Face to face in all of His glory We shall behold Him Yes, we shall behold Him Face to face Our Savior and Lord.." ~"We Shall Behold Him," Dottie Rambo~ "It will be worth it all when we see Jesus, Life's trials will seem so small, when we see Christ; One look at his dear face, all sorrow will erase, So bravely run the race till we see Christ." ~ Hymn, "When We See Christ," Esther Kerr Rusthoi, 1941~

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"Do unto others as they have done to you?"

There are many times in life, relationships and circumstances we secretly wish Jesus had actually said it that way and more often than we like to admit, we react as if He did (Matthew 7:12). Here's what I know: People can disappoint People can hurt People can reject People can ignore People can ridicule People can neglect People can be selfish People can be disloyal People can be harsh People can be intolerant People can be heartless People can be cruel People can be...just fallen, broken, messed-up people. So how do we respond when others become these 'People Can' folks? What is our reaction when people don't rise to the level of our expectations? The human tendency is to recoil, withdraw, take out a mental permanent marker and cross them off our internal, 'people-I-just-might-continue-to-like' list. I've said it and many times heard others say it, "They did/said ________. That's it! I'm done with them!" We wash our angry, offended hands of them and walk away; maybe not literally, but emotionally. We build walls, barriers and keep them distant; at the extreme fringe of our consciousness. They are cast to the outside of our tiny circle and are greeted, if it all, with a stiff jaw, hard heart and an icy attitude. Obviously, I'm not referring to abusive, immoral or illegal relationships. There may be people we need out of our life to vastly improve its' outcome. Go ahead and pray for these as you walk away. But in the everyday interactions between co-workers, friends, family, spouse, fellow believers and the cashier in the checkout line, we can be so easily offended, so quick to write others off. The truth is God did not write us off. He should have. We certainly deserve it. He did this instead: "For God so loved the world He gave..." John 3:16 "While we were yet sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 "Father forgive them they don't know what they're doing." Luke 23:34 And if God, my Creator, did this for us, we can do no less for others. Jesus, our pattern and example of God walking and living on the earth said: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14 "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12 "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35 "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you..." Matthew 5:44 In other words, "Do what I do. Treat others, not as they deserve, but in the same way I have treated you." He’s never turned his back on us, but gave it to the lash of scorners. He’s never walked away from us, but stumbled up a dusty hill, carrying the same tree that took His life. He’s never washed his hands of us, but allowed them to be pierced with nails of redemption. He’s never crossed us off his list, but hung on a cross to prove He will never stop reaching for us. This isn't a fuzzy, mushy, lollipops and sunshine sorta’ love. It's a, “This is hard and I don't feel like it, but it’s the right thing to do," kind of love (Luke 22:42). It's a love that puts relationship over being right. And a love, not for romantic, starry-eyed whimps, but for spirit led soldiers who will take up their cross and follow Him. "So in EVERYTHING, do to others what you WOULD HAVE them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" Matthew 7:12. The addition of a few extra words changes everything. My prayer today, is they will also change me and you.

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Cleaning Jon's room makes me mad! I'm confessing, putting it out here for all to read. Every time I clean his room I battle a huge bad attitude. One way to deal with my anger has been to give it a name, "The Landfill", and to play worship music on my iPad as loudly as possible while cleaning. The past few days we've been seeing little gnat things flying around the house and couldn't figure out where they were coming from. I do a quick check in Jon's room every other day or so, making sure nothing's growing or moving that shouldn't be and about once a week, do a more thorough clean and sheet change. Yesterday, I decided it was "Landfill" cleaning day. Mike was home so he helped me with the vacuuming and I was sorting through Jon's usual piles of stuff on the floor and in crates making sure everything was kosher, when I found it buried under a pile of stuffed animals, a personal size Rubbermaid cooler that he had taken from a cabinet in the laundry room. I opened it to see what was inside and a fleet of gnats flew up in my face. After they lifted off, I noticed the bottom of the cooler was alive and moving with hundreds of little gnat larva. They were living off some sort of food science experiment growing in there. Horrified, I screamed, slammed the top shut, grabbed it, ran to the front door and heaved the cooler as hard as I could into the yard. I slammed the front door closed and jumped around in the foyer for a few minutes, totally grossed out, itching, shaking and hollering, trying to get hallucinatory gnats off of me. Once that subsided, incredible anger took its place. I stomped into the kitchen and yelled at Jon for two minutes straight while he stared at me like I'd just lost my mind then I went back in his room, still freaking out, and tried to tell Mike I'd found the source of our gnat invasion. "I can't hear anything you're saying. You've got the music so loud it sounds like a Pentecostal church service in here. Turn it down so I can hear you." Mike hollered over the music. I yelled back, "Listening to that music is the only way I get through cleaning this room so you best be glad it's playing. I'm so mad right now if that music shuts off I'm gonna’ smack someone, and hard!" We scrubbed the daylights out of Jon's room for the next hour. I reluctantly searched every nook, cranny, box, crate, bag and pile in there and in his bathroom. I threw every thread of bedding and fabric I could find in the washing machine and got Jon in the shower. He even let me wash his hair, possible penance for what he'd just put me through, though I'll never know for sure. A few hours later, after I was sure everything was clean and back in order, I finally calmed down. Last night I prayed. Though yesterday’s clean was more than unusual, I asked God to show me why I become so angry every time I clean Jon's room. God knows my heart better than I, and I want to understand what is triggering this anger inside of me. The answer came in my prayer as I poured my heart out before my Heavenly Daddy. "He's thirty five, I shouldn't have to still clean his room and it's not fair that I do. We should be empty nesters now and only cleaning kid messes after grandchildren visit." As much as I love my son, cleaning his room is evidence that this didn't turn out as I'd hoped and hope disappointed triggers many reactions and emotions. We often don’t recognize their source. Like we didn't know where the gnats were coming from, I didn't know where my anger was coming from until I searched, until I asked. Now that I know, God and I can start working on it together; one more area where grace can replace reaction, where a servant heart can replace selfishness. Recognizing my shortcoming is the first step. Asking God to help me change is the second. He loves me too much to leave me as I am, yet He is gentle enough to expose and change my selfish heart one layer at a time, even if it takes a plague of gnats to motivate me. Confession is good so I pray I'll soon have a heart of joy and a song of praise at all times, even in "The Landfill". But. Please. Lord. (Shivverrrr) minus all creepy, crawly, cringy, critter things! Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry and sin not, don't let the sun go down on your wrath or give place to the devil." James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed."

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I drove halfway up the driveway before noticing Jon didn’t have his seat belt on, so I stopped the car and put it in park. “Please put your seat belt on, Jon.” He glared at the floor and snarled, “Leave me alone!” “You want to be left alone? Ok then.” I put the car in reverse and backed it up to the garage, where we’d just come from. “You want to be left alone? Then get out of the car right now and go back in the house.” I stared at him. He stared at the floor. We sat in silence for a minute. “You either get your seat belt on and loose the attitude or get out of this car. I’m going out to have a nice time and I don’t need any grumpys coming along to wreck it.” I said firmly. The scowl on my son’s face relaxed and he reached for the seat belt and slowly clicked it in place. I thanked him and off we went. On the way to our destination, I decided to remind him why seat belts are not an option. I began to explain in simple language I knew he understood, that wearing one is the law and how they save lives in case of an accident. As I was talking he reached out and turned the radio volume up. “So you don’t want to hear what you need to know, is that it, Jon?” I reached over and turned the radio down. “You don’t want me to talk? Well, I won’t quit talking ‘till I’m dead. So you might as well get used to it.” He reached over to turn the radio back up but not before I heard him mutter, “Hope that hurries up.” I desperately tried not to laugh. Something so hurtful can be hilarious coming from Jon. He doesn’t talk much but he sure doesn’t pussy foot around about how he feels. At thirty five, when confronted with his inappropriate behavior, he’s often like a moody, bad attitude teenager who forgot to grow up. I glanced at him as I drove and answered lightly, “Because you just said that, God is now going to make sure I live forever.” A barely-there smile crossed his lips and he turned to look out the window so I wouldn’t see it. This is what I know. Sometimes, people I care about say words that are less than loving. Get over it! Sometimes, people I love are hurtful. Get over it! Sometimes those I try to help, lash back. Get over it! Sometimes those I most want love, acceptance and approval from, disappoint. Get over it! If Jesus, who was nailed to a tree, and in the excruciating pain and suffering of his final breath could declare, “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing,” for those who hung Him there, I have no right to hold an offense against those who do less to me. I’m learning from my Savior and my son how to get over it! Getting over offense is a choice we constantly make. Everyday and in all situations. Will I hold on to the hurt and add it to my growing list of offenses? Will I choose bitterness and bondage or forgiveness and freedom? Will I choose to stop taking every word, action and reaction personally? Will I choose to stop being overly sensitive. Will I choose to let go? When I pray for strength I don’t have, God’s grace meets me at the point of my choice. I then see others through His eyes and with His heart. Broken. Bruised. Damaged. Valuable. Forgiven. Deserving of love. Worthy of redemption. Just like me. So. Get. Over. It! “The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.” ~Unknown~ Matthew 18:²¹ Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?”²² Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.            

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Jon desperately needed a shower and shave. When I went in his room to vacuum and change his sheets, I took his iPad and told him he could have it back after he cleaned himself up. "Why don't you do that while I clean in here," I said with a smile, "then everything about you will be clean and shiny today." He scowled at me and left the room. I busied myself for the next hour picking up a variety of things from the floor: sticks, strings, marbles, batteries, dice and pens, throwing away piles of old paper he'd collected and organizing his DVD and VHS collection back on shelves. When I went to check on him he was in our bathroom. I'm never thrilled about Jon in the master bath. He gets into all our stuff when he's in there, but it's the only bathroom in the house with a tub so we allow it from time to time. Later that evening I noticed Mike's electric shaver was missing along with my pearl necklace. I knew Jon had used the shaver since he emerged from our room with his caveman beard missing. We looked in all the places he might have laid it down and didn't find it so I knocked on his door. "Jon, Dad's shaver is missing and so is my pearl necklace. If you have them would you please set them outside your door? Dad needs his shaver before he leaves for work in the morning. I was going to give back your iPad but we need those things returned first" He frowned, glared at the floor and when I left the room, threw a small object at the back of the door to emphasize his disapproval of my decision. In the morning the shaver and the necklace were lying on the hall carpet in front of his door. I thanked him and returned his iPad. Negotiating with Jon has become a survival skill I have learned over the years. He is slow and often resistant to respond to everything, including directives. The more he's pushed, the further he retreats, so I need to remain firm, calm and wait him out. When caring for someone long term, who needs help making good choices but doesn't want it, choosing which battles to engage is important for sanity's sake. Some aren't worth fighting and others are tough to resolve no matter what. Then there are those days I know I won't have the patience needed, so it's best to avoid conflict, if possible. Dealing with difficult people requires a good amount of tongue taming, self control and wisdom and all of us have plenty of opportunity to practice because we all have difficult people in our lives. How we respond to them is usually more about us then them. Because we are naturally selfish, anger is often the normal response. Our reaction is usually based, not on what will solve the problem, but how the other person is making us 'feel' at the moment. What we say at such times and just as important, how we say it, reveals who we really are. A response of great character is described in Proverbs 15:1-2 & 4, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly..a gentle tongue is a tree of life.." Jesus was a master at responding to others instead of reacting. He knew exactly what to say in every situation and confrontation. He also knew when to be quiet and slip away. (John 12:49 "For I have not spoken on My own, but the Father Himself who sent Me has given Me a command as to what I should say and what I should speak.") Can we begin to see the difficult folks in our lives as teachers instead of problems, opportunity for personal growth instead of someone to conquer, and a challenge to build strength of character instead of an irritation to curse? It's certainly not easy to maintain this idea! As we set our heart on the intentional practice of responding to others with grace, gentle words and quiet confidence, we find God gives us what we need to be changed from the inside out. And as we pray for help to become less reactive to difficult situations and people, it becomes natural to keep a calmness and peace about us that others notice and desire. Then we will "Be ready at any time to give a quiet and reverent answer to any man who wants a reason for the hope that you have within you..with gentleness and respect" (I Peter 3:15).

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Since I was a child, I've always felt the shift of the clock from 11:59 p.m. on December 31, to 12:00 a.m. on January 1, should be magical, fantastical, miraculous; as if something incredible should happen at the very second a year flips over. Shouldn't the problem I've struggled over all year suddenly have resolution, or money fall from the sky like confetti in New York’s Times Square, or people desperately seeking restored health be instantly healed? Shouldn't broken hearts be renewed and shattered relationships repaired, mobile phones ringing and buzzing with offers of love and forgiveness? Shouldn't Jon come out of his room with a huge hug and Happy New Year wishes, and loved ones who've passed on, walk smiling through my door, shouting, "Hey! I'm back!"? You know...amazing stuff like...answers. Reversals. Miracles. I wait for it every year. Deep inside I admit to expecting it. But another new year seems to come and go as ordinary as most days. We celebrate it for a few hours, the fireworks fade and we wake up the next morning to another sunrise. Another start. Another chance. Another twenty four hours. What is it about a new year that makes us yearn for more? I think it's hope. Hope is defined as desire accompanied by anticipation, expectation and confident belief. Hope is central to our very existence. 1 Corinthians 13:13, combines "faith, hope and love," with love being the greatest. But how is love even possible without faith and hope? When hope walks out, all other longing goes with it. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." The human heart has an incredible capacity to keep hope alive, even in the darkest times; to keep wishing for perfection, beauty, solutions, joy, and love. It shouldn't surprise us, for we are made in God's image, and He is all these and more. There is a spark of hope in us that ignites new promise for a new year. Maybe this year I'll get that raise or promotion. Maybe this year I'll meet that special someone. Maybe this year my situation will turn. Maybe this year my health will improve. Maybe this year my sorrow will turn to joy. Maybe this year will be my break through. Last year was hard, but it's over. This year will be better. I hope. We can't know what a year will bring, but of this we can be certain: God will be in this New Year with us, just as He always has been. He has not forsaken us, even though we may not feel Him near. His mercy is new and available every morning and His love for us is endless. He can be trusted with our future. As the year before us unfolds, my hope and prayer is, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit," Romans 15:13. The best of blessings to you and yours in the days ahead. May your year be abundant with hopes fulfilled. image credit: http://www.freshpickedwhimsy.typepad.com/

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I now own a virtual "I Don't Get It" Box. It was delivered to me over the weekend after a conversation I had with a good friend. She's had a tough year and great loss. We talked about faith, and how it processes us through life circumstances that are more than difficult. Sometimes stuff happens that doesn't fit into our neat and tidy theological boxes. We can't check them off our doctrinal lists. Things happen that we can't explain and we have no idea which (thought-I-had-this-all-figured-out-already!) category to file them under. After this conversation with my friend, I woke up the next morning with a picture in my head. Some people call them visions or awake dreams. Call it whatever you want, but I saw me with a long line of people stretched out endlessly behind me, standing in front of a huge box inscribed with a large glowing font that said, "I Don't Get It." Everyone in line, including me, had a piece of paper in hand. I had written on the paper, parts of my life I question, things I don't understand and circumstances I have faced or still face that are confusing and seem to have no answers. I stepped up to the box and threw my paper in. When it hit the bottom the font on the front of the box changed and began to flash in bright neon over and over again, "Just TRUST Me. Just TRUST Me. Just TRUST Me. Just TRUST ME...." I may not 'get' many things but I get this message loud and clear. I don't need to analyze, understand, explain and figure everything out. I can't know everything because knowing ALL would make me God. Wasn't that we could be like God by eating the only off limits fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, the original lie of the serpent? Man fell for the deception. He believed it. Do we still? God wants our trust. He wants us to believe Him. It's all He's ever wanted. So I lay aside my need to know and simply trust.. Because God, I believe You are good. I believe You are love. I believe You are faithful. I believe You are merciful. I believe You desire only the best for me, Today, no matter what happens, how I feel, whether I understand or not, I throw it all into my "I Don't Get It" box and... Just Trust You!

       

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Caregiving is selfless work. Problem is, I'm not selfless. Not yet. I've grown through the years I've been doing this overtime parenting/caregiving thing, but honestly, I still have a long way to go. There are times when I still struggle and it seems too hard, too frustrating, too confining, too self sacrificing, too...much. But love moves me forward another day. I love my son and he needs me, whether he realizes it or not. So I rise in the morning with new mercies, new grace and make the most of both the imperfect and fantastic days we are blessed to have. Comparison is a luxury I can't afford. Neither can you. When we start comparing our life to others our thoughts can travel into dangerous territory. Some comparisons that might spiral me into dark places: They go on vacation. We can't. They get in their car and go whenever/wherever they want. I can't. Their thirty something year old kid is self sufficient. Mine isn't. They don't have to worry about what will happen to their grown child when they're no longer here. I do. There's plenty more of these, but you get the idea. I can't allow my mind to dwell on what they are doing. Such thinking has to be 'taken captive' (2 Corinthians 10:5) and serves no purpose but a downward spiral into self absorbed misery. What I can think on is God's goodness; His provision, grace, strength and blessing. I have a roof over my head. I'm not hungry. I'm in functioning health. I have support from a good husband, caregivers, church and friends; a decent car to drive when I can get away, a yard full of awesome plants to enjoy and a son who only needs constant reminders to attend to his own basic physical needs. And some times, even while being grumpy and stubborn, Jon’s quirky, humor makes me smile. Things to be thankful for outnumber the they comparisons and inconveniences, two to one. Jesus modeled selfless caregiving when He loved me enough to lay aside His Heavenly crown, take on flesh and come to an Earth originally created in perfection by Him and utterly broken by the degradation of His greatest creation - man. The Ultimate Caregiver came to serve and give His life away. He came to provide solutions for the desperation of humanity and offers the grace and strength I need to serve and care as He does. Faithfully Patiently Cheerfully Lovingly Sacrificially Selflessly I pray everyday, as I struggle to set ‘me’ aside again, for the benefit of my son and for others, that I will emulate Christ’s love in some small way. Because true love lives to serve. John 13:4...he [Jesus] got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵ After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.¹² When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³ “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. ¹⁴ Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. (NIV) Matthew 20:26-28 "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” 1 Peter 5:7 ESV Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Isaiah 41:10 ESV Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  

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Jon was wandering around the kitchen before I left for Sunday morning service, taking stock of the plate I had prepared him and gathering more food from the pantry and fridge. When I came home, he was standing next to the dinette table just off the kitchen, and had methodically arranged all his food, dishes, silverware and some treasures from his room on and around a place mat. He'd barely eaten anything while I was gone which is typical for him. He has to have things arranged a certain way before he feels settled and his obsession will often stretch the process out for hours. The caregiver left and I started on lunch for Mike and I, warming up leftovers, putting a meal together in about fifteen minutes and setting our places on each side of Jon's. Our son rarely wants to sit and eat with us but it looked like he was about to settle down and I was hoping the three of us would have lunch together this day. The unspoken Jon rule is this: he can invade your space at any time, day or night but you take a risk invading his. Sometimes you are received, many times not (read more about that here). It's somewhat like the kings in the Old Testament who raised a scepter to show their approval if you entered their presence without being beckoned. If approval was not granted you could quickly be missing your head (see Esther 4:11-16). As Mike and I took our seats, blessed the food and began eating, the expression on Jon's face tuned into a scowl. We had invaded his space and he wasn't happy about it. "Come on Jon," I said, "sit down and eat with us. You did a great job setting your place here so let's have lunch together today." It wasn't happening. He began snatching his things off the table and moving them to the dining room, stomping back and forth from one table to the other until everything was moved. No amount of encouragement or pleading convinced him to stay. It's always his choice, never ours. I've learned so much about the father heart of God from Jon through the years. I know what it's like to feel rejected by your child and I also have a greater understanding of unconditional love. Jon has days when he barely acknowledges my presence. But regardless of how that makes me feel, I’m aware of his social limitations and I still love him. I will always be here for him, reaching, waiting; doing everything I can to give him the best possible life. There are many ways I want to show Jon how much I love him that he often doesn’t want or accept, so I have to meet him where he is and on his terms. As I read the Bible, I see so many illustrations of God's love for His people. His children. He longs to be with them. He wants to bless them, rescue them, and shower them with love and mercy. He comes into their situations over and over, making Himself available in their darkest hour; if they would only acknowledge Him and respond to His love. But they don’t. They turn away and break His heart. Again. And again. And again. So God waits. And He’s still waiting. Waiting for me and you to acknowledge Him. Waiting for us to respond to His love. Waiting for His kids to understand the Cross was the very best He could offer to exchange our wayward and distant heart for His limitless love. He longs to be with us and waits to be invited. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” (Revelation 3:20) God will not force Himself into this relationship. It’s on my terms, not His. It’s all about my willingness to open the door, set a place at the table, pull out a chair and invite Him to sit with me. And it makes His heart very happy when I do. Just like it makes me happy when Jon decides he wants to be with me. Unconditional love hopes.

“Maybe today will be the day.”

Unconditional love never gives up.

“Not today? OK, then maybe tomorrow?”

Unconditional love reaches.

“Whether you want me or not, I’ll always love you.”

Unconditional love waits.

“I’ll still be here when you return.”

 

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We said goodbye to our dear friend, Harold, recently. He left this earth to take up residence in his eternal home. It's hard to say goodbye. In my saddened state, I've been thinking about death, as we are prone to do when someone we love passes from this earth. Why is it so hard for us? Why does it rattle us to our very core? We all know death comes. Not one of us escape it. Yes, I understand the separation and loss, the vast empty place the removal of someone who was so much a part of us creates. But it seems our struggle with death is even deeper than those things. And it is. Because death was never in God's original plan for us. He originally created man to live forever in a perfect body on a perfect earth. In the deep places of our being, we know we were never meant to taste death or experience it. God told the first man and woman, "Don't eat of that tree, if you do you will die." He offered choice. And they chose to listen to the lie. They ate and the journey of life to death on this earth began (Read Genesis 2:15-3:24). I used to wonder why I should suffer for what the first man and woman did. That was their choice not mine. It's like the school teacher punishing the entire class for the behavior of one child. "Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned." Romans 5:12 God hardly seemed fair in dolling out sin curses for generations to come when I never had a chance to decide whether I would take a bite from that fruit or not. If I was in The Garden I would have chosen to do the right thing. But would I? Would any of us? Do we now? How many times have I chosen my will over God's, exalting my selfish desires over His, justifying what looks good to me over His perfect best? I wish I could say never, but the truthful answer is, I've lost count. So God knew man would choose death. He knew it when he created us but did it anyway just as we take the risk of having a child with no guarantee of the outcome. It's done from of a heart of love. We sacrifice for that child to have every advantage, every good choice and our heart breaks if they choose a path leading to their downfall, hurt or destruction. But thank God, we are not left stranded, without hope, "For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous. so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 5:19 & 21). God came to our planet, took on a flesh suit and became like us to provide a way back to immortality and perfection. He became one of us to rescue us from eternal death. He made a way of escape from the ravages of sin and death through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus, who was nailed to a tree. For you. For me. Death started and ended with a tree. The choice returns, but the subtle injection of doubt continues through time. "Did God really say?" (Genesis 3:1). Do we believe in Jesus or do we continue to believe the lie, the illusion, the trick that we can be our own god, that we can still eat the fruit of a life apart from Him and suffer no consequences? We all die physically and leave this planet, but believing the truth of who Christ is and what He did for us, assures us that is not the end, only a transition to a new life; the beautiful and glorious life we were always meant to have. We've had to say goodbye to our friend for now, but hope comes in knowing I will see him again when it's my turn to leave here. Maybe instead of goodbye, I should just say, "See ya' later, Harold. Save me a seat on that bench. Underneath The Tree of Life." 1 Corinthians 15:26 " The last enemy to be abolished is death.' John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life."  

photos courtesy of picjumbo.com

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Proverbs 18:17 (NIV) "The first to present his case seems right, until another comes forward and questions him," is a reminder to know all the facts before making a judgment. It's easy in our high tech, sound bite, information age to see or hear a sixty second clip of something or someone and form an instant opinion. A statement a well known pastor's wife recently made has gone viral on social media and I admit to having heard it and immediately believing she's fallen off the doctrinal correctness wagon. Maybe she has. I don't really know. And that I don't know is exactly my point. As I've pondered on it the past few days, my heart has been convicted for making an uninformed conclusion. It's possible that something she said before or after her statement better qualifies what she meant. A few seconds of video pulled out of the context of what she’s saying doesn’t give the whole picture. Without having all the facts, I want to give her the benefit of a doubt, because it's the right thing to do and because I want others to do that for me. As a writer, I know the importance of using words wisely. As a pastor's wife, I also know how quickly words can be scrutinized, misinterpreted and criticized, especially when taken out of context. I'm not saying my fellow pastor's wife is right or wrong in what she said, I just need to repent for my rapid judgment of her, based on a few seconds of YouTube video. As Christ followers, I pray we (me included) will be wise enough to know the whole story before criticizing, passing verdicts and writing each other off. It's part of the thing Jesus said about the world knowing we are His, because of our love for one another. John 13:35 "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."    

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We celebrated another wedding anniversary recently and as I dusted off our wedding album to reminisce, I smiled, flipping through the photos. Until I came to this one on the last page, this close up of our hands showing off our new wedding rings. 'Oh My Gosh!' I thought, 'My hands were so pretty and so straight once.' Six years after that photo was taken I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. A crippling auto immune disease triggered at the birth of our first son and ten years later, ravaging through me like an eighteen wheeler squashing a bug, following the birth of our second. As much as I wanted to, I didn't have time to stay in bed and it really didn't matter, staying in bed hurt just as much as being up. Painful nights without sleep and miserable exhausting days were measured on a pain scale of bad and horrible, making the bad days seem good. My family needed me and with two active growing boys to care for, prayer and pills became my constant companion. Pain pills, steroids, low dose cancer drugs and weekly injections all kept me in function mode. My continuous prayers went from begging God for healing to demanding my body stop its destructive storm, and everything in between. As the disease progressed the cartilage and fluid cushion between joints eroded. Fingers and toes began to drift, tendons shifted and bones fused. Slowly I was forced to give up activities I enjoyed; skating, tennis, playing guitar, clarinet and keyboards, hiking, wearing sexy shoes, doing my nails and many more. The day I went to have my wedding ring cut in half to remove it from my swollen, misshapen finger was the culmination of how much rheumatoid arthritis had stolen. I cried tears of bitter resignation. Since then, I have made drastic changes which positively affected my health: our family moved to a warm climate, I renovated my eating habits, began light daily exercise and the practice of stress release through prayer, meditative scripture reading and writing, laughing often, letting go of offense, forgiving, listening to my body, pacing myself instead of pushing, saying 'No' when necessary, asking for help when needed and giving myself permission to have fun. Over the span of several years, I gradually reduced the amount of medications and have been off all drugs for a decade. But until God heals me completely, the joint damage remains. As I looked at that picture of my normal hands, a stark reminder of what once was, I realized I rarely think of it now. I've adjusted, adapted and moved on. My hands aren't pretty. I know that. They are crooked and disfigured. But they still function, awkwardly managing to do what needs to be done. They can still plant a seed or cut a flower in the garden, sew a stray button back on, slice an onion in the kitchen, butter toast, throw a load of laundry in the machine, reach for another person needing prayer, comfort or hugs, type this blog (two fingers at a time) and perform so many necessary tasks. I'm far from the young girl in that picture now. I can't go back there nor do I want to. Those days are gone and as the years roll by I am learning to be thankful for what is. Today. Right now. I am learning to trust God in all things - understood or not, healed or not - big or small. I'm grateful I still have hands. Crooked as they are, they belong to God. I will use them to bring help, blessing and hope to others as long as I can. And I will raise them in worship and surrender to Him as long as He gives me breath. Whether I'm healed on this side of eternity and in spite of the affliction and problems of this life, I choose to proclaim with Job of old: "As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that as the last He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God, whom I will see for myself, and whom my own eyes will behold, and not another." Job 19:25-27

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We were just a couple of crazy kids when we said "I Do". We thought we knew the meaning but we didn't have a clue.And here we are, thirty nine years later, still figuring out what all those promises mean. There's been plenty of star spangled love and plenty of days when we don't do the first-Corinthians-chapter-thirteen thing quite so well. But we never quit and are learning the art of forgiving, letting go and how love isn't always a feeling but a choice. Showing honor and respect is about putting aside our own selfish desires, shutting our mouth when we want to speak, speaking when we'd rather shut it and allowing for our differences. It's been tough sometimes, but we're getting better at it everyday. Not had much of the richer, at least in great wealth, but precious unseen riches we've held; wonderful sons, a roof over head, food in our bellies, so many people in our lives to bless us and to bless. Some things can't be measured in dollars. Poorer, yes, we've gone without many times through the years. Cut coupons, shopped sales, bought used instead of new (still do:), shared a hot chocolate and a bag of McD's fries for date night and learned to live on what we have and watch our faithful God provide everything we need. In sickness, it seems there's been way more than our fair share, dealing so long with chronic illness and a child with disabilities. But hard times are a teacher and forge us into something better than before. In the midst of all the things we don't understand we trust in God, our strength. We've seen health in many other ways, in laughter and in joy and how God heals the broken hearted and helps us endure. Patience and compassion, contentment and peace have been our reward. God has been faithful to us even when we are not. He's been our anchor in every celebration, joy, failure and heartache, the North Star to which we always turn when we loose our way. So, Michael Connis, on this thirty ninth anniversary of our happy wedding day, I want to say, if given the choice, I'd do the "I DO" all over again. Thanks for hanging in there on this great adventure of ours. It isn’t over yet. We've come far but there's still more to see, do and conquer and we're just getting started! I did, I Do, and I will…for always.        

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Jon is into cutting. But not in the same way or for the same reasons as other people. He cuts sleeves off shirts, toes off socks, slits in the center of our bath and dish towels, legs off his father’s pants and hem strips off sheets and bed skirts. Yesterday I took him to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. He dressed in his finest: a sawed off sleeves, blue T-shirt with two belts tied around his waist, one made from a strip of a nice, fluffy over sized beach towel he repurposed and the other, a bright orange and white flowered cloth tie belt he took from my closet. When I'm tempted to be annoyed about this mysterious (and money wasting) behavior, I stop and remind myself to be thankful Jon's not harming himself. He has his own brand of creative fun going on in his very unusual and imaginative brain. And it's just stuff. I can always go to Walmart and buy more cheap, made-in-China towels and T-shirts for him to cut up. It's all replaceable. He isn't. Hanging out with Jon gives me an entirely different way to look at life and teaches me how to relax about little things that don't really matter. While Jon is cutting up stuff in our house, God is cutting away the Me that wants to rise up and demand life always go My way. God uses the people in our lives, yes; even those with annoying habits, to instruct us, change us and expose areas where we need to improve. There is nothing more liberating than letting go of the unrealistic expectations we have for others. Ask God to help you look at those frustrating, annoying folks around you through His eyes, with His heart. Then look inside yourself and let Him transform you so you can love freely, unconditionally and without barriers. The same way Jesus loves me and you. Philippians 2:3(ERV) “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves” Proverbs 27:17(NIV) “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  

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My upcoming birthday has caused me to think about what I would tell a younger me if I could go back and sit down for a meaningful chat with her. The fifty-nine year old me has learned some important stuff I didn't know then.

So here it is, twenty-one things I would tell a twenty-one year old me, if I could: 1. Get over yourself. Everything isn't always about you. 2. You don't know everything and never will. So stop thinking you do. 3. Life can get messy. Clean up the mess and move on. 4. Practice good attitudes and choices. What you choose today becomes tomorrow's reality. 5. Always needing to be right usually isn't. Don't be too proud to admit you're wrong. 6. Lower the drama meter. Laugh more. Save serious for when it's really needed. 7. Changing/fixing others is not your life calling. Offering grace and love is. 8. You can still be nice to people who don't agree with you. Just remember they might not return the courtesy. 9. It's not the end of the world if everyone doesn't like you. Enjoy the people who do. 10. Learn to balance work and fun. Too much of either is...too much. 11. Simplify. Busy is not always a sign of productivity. If it won't matter twenty years from now it's probably not worth your time. 12. Take care of yourself. You won't be young forever. De-stress. Exercise. Rest. Eat Right. Smile. 13. Don't worry. Worry is borrowing fear for tomorrow from delusional scenarios created inside your own head (it also gives you permanent creases between your eyebrows). 14. Comparing creates misery. Stop measuring your imperfect life against everyone else's imperfect life. Enjoy the life you've been given. 15. Let go of regret, guilt and shame. It does no good to live there. God forgives the broken. So forgive yourself. It's never too late to start over. 16. Don't expect any person to satisfy your every want /need when the rest of humanity is just as flawed as you. The only one who loves you perfectly is your Father God. 17. It's not God's fault when others are stupid, mean, rude, disloyal, unkind...Forgive them so you can be forgiven and free of their hold over you. 18. Pain, suffering, loss, delay, irritation, frustration and the mundane is where you can learn and grow the most. Not what you want to hear I know. Sorry. 19. Life isn't always fair and sometimes doesn't turn out the way you hoped or planned, but remember God is with you in it all. He promised. 20. Pray more. Well actually, pray all the time. Your Creator holds the owner's manual to your heart and He loves having conversations with you (don't forget to listen). 21. The years fly swiftly. Relish each day. Each moment of your journey is the best part of now.

I'd love to hear what you would tell a younger version of yourself if you could?

   

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In John chapter six, the account of Jesus feeding the five thousand at some remote place along the Sea of Galilee, we find the five barley loaves and two fish Jesus ‘borrowed’ belonged to a child. Of the five thousand men plus some women and children who showed up in the middle of nowhere to check Jesus out, didn’t anyone else think to bring food or was this boy the only one in the crowd willing to share what he had? Then another question comes to mind. Who packed his lunch? My guess? His mom. It was probably another busy day. Bread to be made. Water to be drawn. Mouths to be fed. So much work to be done. But she packed her boy’s lunch and as Jesus took it, blessed it and miraculously fed a multitude, I doubt this kid was ever the same. Jesus touched his lunch and his life. The story doesn’t tell us who took the twelve leftover baskets home. But I bet it was the little boy and his family. Mom had no idea what would come back to her later that day. They had food enough for a week, bread and fish touched and blessed by Jesus, the best leftovers ever, all because a mom got up in the morning and packed her kid’s lunch. Again. Mom, are you’re bored with the ordinary tasks of your daily life thinking they or you don’t matter? Another meal to cook, another diaper to change, another load of laundry, another floor to sweep, another lunch to pack, another drive to school and another trip to the ball field equate to greatness when Jesus is in the midst of it.

He will take your small, mundane and seemingly insignificant efforts, bless them and multiply them back to you and your family.

The repetitiveness of mothering will multiply, day after day and year after year, until your children are grown and beyond. Every little thing you pour out and into them, comes back to you in exponential ways. So get up today, tomorrow and the next day and do it again ’cause it takes a Mom to pack a lunch Jesus delights in sharing with others. John 6:1-13 After this, Jesus went to the farther side of the Sea of Galilee—that is, the Sea of Tiberias. And a great crowd was following Him because they had seen the miracles which He performed upon those who were sick. And Jesus walked up the mountainside and sat down there with His disciples. Jesus looked up then, and seeing that a vast multitude was coming toward Him, He said to Philip, Where are we to buy bread, so that all these people may eat? But He said this to test him, for He well knew what He was about to do. Philip answered Him, Two hundred pennies’ worth of bread is not enough that everyone may receive even a little. Another of His disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to Him, There is a little boy here, who has five barley loaves, and two small fish; but what are they among so many people? Jesus said, Make all the people sit down. Now the ground was covered with thick grass at the spot, so the men threw themselves down, about 5,000 in number. Jesus took the loaves, and when He had given thanks, He distributed to the disciples and the disciples to the reclining people; so also with the fish, as much as they wanted. When they had all had enough, He said to His disciples, Gather up now the fragments, so that nothing may be lost and wasted. So accordingly they gathered them up, and they filled twelve baskets with fragments left over by those who had eaten from the five barley loaves.

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I'm convinced we idolize the wrong people in American society: movie stars, sports players, rock stars, country music singers, the rich and otherwise famous. Everyone wants to be them. Someone like Mary, the woman I met last night, not so much. Mary has been the around-the-clock caregiver of her younger sister for twenty eight years, since their parents passed away. Her sister has Down syndrome and is now sixty years old. Mary receives no acclaim, no ‘American Idol’ or ‘Emmy Award’, for her selfless act but she has just moved to the top of my personal hero list, for whatever that's worth. I lay awake last night doing the math. When Jon is sixty, if we're both still here, I'll be eighty five. The nightmare thought always lurking in the back of every parents mind is, who will love and care for my child after I'm gone. As I thought on this, the familiar feeling of panic and fear began to surface, so I did the only thing I know to do when I'm afraid, I started to pray. "Heavenly Father, pleasseeee let there be a Mary for my Jon when the time comes. I trust You with our future." God's Kingdom is so very upside down from mans’. God does not put great prominence on things we deem important. He celebrates the small and unseen. Jesus said if you give away a cup of cold water in His name you will be rewarded (Matthew 10:42). Imagine the award that is waiting for someone like Mary. One day God will host the ultimate Emmy Awards show of all time. I'm thinking Mary will be first in line. Luke 14:12-14 “He also said to the one who had invited Him, “When you give a lunch or a dinner, don’t invite your friends, your brothers, your relatives, or your rich neighbors, because they might invite you back, and you would be repaid. On the contrary, when you host a banquet, invite those who are poor, maimed, lame, or blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” Luke 16:15 (CEV) “ But Jesus told them: You are always making yourselves look good, but God sees what is in your heart. The things that most people think are important are worthless as far as God is concerned.”

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In Luke chapter seven, we read about a widow woman whose adult son has died. In this culture this son would have been the only means of support she had. This poor woman had just lost everything. As Jesus came near the town gate the funeral procession passed by carrying the dead man out and Jesus observed the mother weeping and mourning. There is no record of this widow having great faith or asking Jesus to help her. In fact there is no indication that she even noticed Jesus or knew who He was. She was so overcome with grief, I seriously doubt she noticed anything going on around her. She was too busy drowning in her sorrow to care. Verse thirteen says Jesus looked upon this scene and felt compassion for the woman. He went to her, told her to stop crying, then told her dead son to get up. The guy sat up immediately on his death stretcher and began talking. In an incredible instant, sorrow was turned into unspeakable joy! I've been told most of my life that God only answers in response to being asked and since this is scripturally supported, I agree, as stated in 1 John 5:14-15 and many other verses. I've also been told I need faith for God to respond to my requests and I agree with this as well. Hebrews 11:6 tells us we can't even please God without faith. But I'm discovering at any point I think I might have my doctrinal boxes built and the lids sealed tight, Jesus comes along and messes me up. He throws in just enough deviation from the theological equations we believers like to construct, to keep me from thinking I know it all, that I've finally figured out the sum total of every spiritual equation. One plus one is not always two in God's kingdom. He can mix up our constructs and confuse our theology anyway and anytime He wants. He is God and will have mercy and compassion on whomever He chooses (Romans 9:5) whether they have great faith, little faith or no faith and even if they haven't asked of Him yet. I never want to stop asking of Him or stop growing in my faith. But I also never want to think I'm so spiritually awesome that God can't respond, love, heal, deliver, rescue and redeem in any way He sees fit, outside of my preconceived theological formulas. I'm OK with God staying a bit mysterious and a lot sovereign. I'm alright with not knowing everything as long as I know The Great I Am. In realizing how small and limited I am without Him, its comforting to understand just how much higher, wiser and greater His ways and thoughts are than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). God loves me. I trust Him. That's good enough for now. Luke 7:11 "Soon afterward he [Jesus] went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a great crowd went with him. 12 As he drew near to the gate of the town, behold, a man who had died was being carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow, and a considerable crowd from the town was with her. 13 And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, “Do not weep.” 14 Then he came up and touched the bier, and the bearers stood still. And he said, “Young man, I say to you, arise.” 15 And the dead man sat up and began to speak, and Jesus gave him to his mother. 16 Fear seized them all, and they glorified God, saying, “A great prophet has arisen among us!” and “God has visited his people!” 17 And this report about him spread through the whole of Judea and all the surrounding country." 1 John 5:14 "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."      

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People are fickle. They love you one minute and hate you the next, especially if you stand for something. Mike and I have titled this phenomenon, 'The Hero to Zero in One Second Syndrome' and nowhere is this better illustrated than Luke chapter 4. In verses 15 and 22, Jesus is a hometown Hero, but by verses 28 and 29 his neighbors are ready to throw him off a cliff! In a matter of minutes He is reduced to Zero because He speaks truth. Standing up for what is true and right in a culture that is loosing its moral compass will cost us Hero status for sure. But when we understand our validation comes from God alone, we can respond to those who quickly demote us to Zero with love and grace, as Jesus did. After all, we are not commissioned to prove everyone else wrong, but to demonstrate the Love of God spread abroad in hearts and minds, makes everything right (Romans 5). Remember, your Hero/Zero status of today, could be reversed by tomorrow. Looking to people as your lone source of approval and security is like standing on wind blown sand. If we base our purpose, identity and validation on what others think, we’re in big trouble. Be a Hero in the Kingdom of God where it really counts. Zeros don’t even exist there. Luke 4:14 Then Jesus returned to Galilee, filled with the Holy Spirit's power. Reports about him spread quickly through the whole region. 15 He taught regularly in their synagogues and was praised by everyone. 16 When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. 17 The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: 18 "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, 19 and that the time of the Lord's favor has come." 20 He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. 21 Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!” 22 Everyone spoke well of him and was amazed by the gracious words that came from his lips. “How can this be?” they asked. “Isn’t this Joseph’s son?” 23 Then he said, “You will undoubtedly quote me this proverb: ‘Physician, heal yourself’—meaning, ‘Do miracles here in your hometown like those you did in Capernaum.’ 24 But I tell you the truth, no prophet is accepted in his own hometown. 25 “Certainly there were many needy widows in Israel in Elijah’s time, when the heavens were closed for three and a half years, and a severe famine devastated the land. 26 Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them. He was sent instead to a foreigner—a widow of Zarephath in the land of Sidon. 27 And there were many lepers in Israel in the time of the prophet Elisha, but the only one healed was Naaman, a Syrian.” 28 When they heard this, the people in the synagogue were furious. 29 Jumping up, they mobbed him and forced him to the edge of the hill on which the town was built. They intended to push him over the cliff, 30 but he passed right through the crowd and went on his way.  

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BELIEVE! As I read, I see this word over and over again, from Genesis to Revelation. It’s one of the central themes of the Bible. Numbers 4:11 “The Lord said to Moses, I have done great things for these people, and they still reject me by refusing to believe in my power.’”

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Jon demonstrated the true definition of tolerance a few days ago. After a haircut he wandered down the plaza to the sub shop. We ordered, took the front booth, closest to the door and settled in for a long evening. Several hours later a young couple, with a baby in a car seat, came in and sat in the booth behind us. Jon has a problem with babies. They cry, scream and are often loud even when they are happy, squealing as they test their vocal chords. High pitched baby sounds have always bothered him, a lot. As soon as the baby family sat down, Jon collected his sub, drink, two bags of chips and other items he had spread out on the table and moved to the table farthest away from baby, at the back of the building. He methodically organized his food on the table top and sat down with his back to us. I was chatting with a couple of friends who had shown up to keep me company and was explaining to them why he moved so suddenly, when one of them told me to turn around and look. Jon had gone to the back of the restaurant, picked up a wooden high chair and was carrying it to the baby's table. He set it down gently, nodded and smiled ever so slightly at the baby, then turned around and walked back to his table. He stayed there until the baby left and then came back up with us. In a society where the word, tolerance, has been redefined as accept me, approve me, love everything about me or you don't like me at all, Jon showed us that you don't have to love someone's behavior to treat them well. The true meaning of tolerance is displayed in kindness and grace being extended to people who annoy us, even those whose behavior we disagree with. Thanks Jon for the visual! Go here to read my other post on Tolerance Philippians 2:1-8 "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,"

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Once I processed and accepted the surprise and disappointment of Jon’s initial diagnosis, I determined to help him be the most amazing person who ever had Down syndrome.

I knew if I worked hard enough, fought long enough, my son would be The One to WOW the world. He would be almost ‘normal’ if not one hundred percent. He would have the life I imagined for him - acceptance, friends, a girlfriend (or maybe a wife!), his own apartment, a career and a car to drive to work.

He might not become a neurosurgeon or The President, but most ‘normal’ people weren’t, so I could live with that.

Working tirelessly from birth through high school and beyond, I fought for services in every available arena of mainstreaming and special education and was even instrumental in spearheading a few improvements.

We accessed infant early intervention, integrated preschool, behavior assessments, speech and occupational therapy, reading programs, Special Olympics and work training programs.

I never missed an IEP (Individual Education Plan) school meeting and even home schooled for several years, burning long hours into the night, researching new ways to help Jon excel at learning.

Helping my son hit a high level of ability became my project and I was obsessed.

My attempts to ‘fix him’ and fit him into the life my imagination had designed for him, often hindered my enjoying him as my child, especially in those early years. When my friend's toddlers said their first word, sat up, walked and potty trained on schedule and Jon didn’t, I was defeated and miserable.

Obviously I wasn’t doing enough and the mommy guilt was all encompassing.

Now he’s an adult and none of my imagined scenarios for Jon’s life have come to pass, even after all my years of worry and hard work. Of course, we never figured autism would be added to the equation, yet, there’s no apartment, car, career, girlfriend and few friends.

There’s mostly just me and Jon.

Somewhere in the mix of my many years of ‘Jon education’ and church ministry, dealing with all types of people, I figured something out - it’s not my job to fix people - especially if my “fixing” is more about what I want than what they want or actually need.

This has been a hard lesson to learn.

Only God knows what comprises the heart of a person. It’s His job to correct. Mine is to surrender to His work both in myself and others. While God is lovingly trying to align me, I’m so busy with my attempts to straighten everyone else out that I can’t begin to see my own need.

My responsibility is simply to love. If that love requires helping another improve in some way then so be it, but never should it be about someone fitting my perception of what that should look like or what I think they should become.

It’s not about my attempts to line everyone up around me to my liking. Enjoying people simply for who they are sets me free from seeing them as a project or burdening relationships with my selfish agenda.

Though I’m certain I have more to discover here, learning to love my son for exactly who he is, not who I hoped he'd be, and letting go of my foolish attempts to change and control others has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

I've been surprised by the realization that freedom can come in unforeseen and unexpected ways and letting go has brought more internal peace and joy than I ever thought possible.

Jon, what a wonderful teacher you are!

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

“How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” Matthew 7:4

“So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.” Romans 14:12 NIV

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It’s been so since the beginning - God - just wanting to be with us.

“God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

He created us for relationship, friendship, love. He wanted to hang out with us, come down from the Heavens in the cool of the day and walk and talk with us in the beauty of His earth creation.

Then one poor choice ruined everything.

“The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” Genesis 3:8-9

Throughout history God continued to call mankind back. He came and spoke in many ways: through clouds, pillars of fire, a burning bush, and a golden box filled with Himself, signs, wonders, miracles, prophets, judges, priests, kings.

Until Jesus arrived – ‘Emmanuel, God with Us’ - proving His desperate longing for me and you and providing us rescue from all our poor choices.

The end will culminate with God returning to His original plan. John saw it in a Heavenly vision and was told to write it down so we would know...God still wants us.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away… And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.” Revelation 21:1-3

In the beginning, God created out of desire, longing and love for us. And that is exactly how it will begin again in the end; a new creation, a new earth where He can finally physically dwell among us.

All He has ever wanted is you and me. No other god or human ever has or ever will go to such depths to demonstrate love.

How is it that we go to such depths to refuse Him?

When it comes time for the creation reset button to be pushed, I don’t want God calling for me, “Where are you?”

I’ll be right here. Still waiting and reaching in desperate gratitude for the One who loves me like no other; for the One who’s greatest yearning is to be with me.

Forever.

1 Corinthians 3:16 "Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?"

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As the calendar counts down to Christmas Day, I'm asked this question everywhere I go, "Are you ready for Christmas?" The nuance of this question is understood in American culture to mean: is the wreath hung, the tree decorated, the lights and garland strung? Is the gift list shopped and wrapped, are the cards mailed and the cookies baked. Has every pageant, program and party been attended and have fixings been purchased and prepared for the holiday feast? Have I made my list, checked it twice and run myself ragged until I'm not nice? Am I so weary when Christmas comes, all goodwill fades and I am undone?

If Christmas is only about the doing, I might as well cross it off the calendar. If all the external tradition and trappings, of the picture perfect Christmas were removed, could my heart still find joy in the season?

There were many who were not ready for Christmas when it first arrived. It was a busy time. Caesar had called for a tax census and people were suddenly traveling to their place of birth, juggling finances for the trip and tax, waiting in long lines to register and complaining about the latest greed and ineptitude of the government. Except for a group of Wise Men and a few Shepherds, most folks were inconvenienced, impatient and unprepared. The Religious Leaders weren’t ready. King Herod wasn't ready. The Inn Keeper wasn't ready. The Town of Bethlehem and its many visitors weren’t ready. An entire population of people missed a momentous event going on in their own backyard.

The Christ of Christmas had come, but there was so much to do and no time to notice.

Jesus came and Emmanuel, God With Us, is still here. Do I recognize Him? Have I taken time to notice? Those who understand the real meaning of Christmas should be ready everyday, any moment, all the time. I’m ready for Christmas. Are you? John 1:10-14 "He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

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Here it is two weeks before the big day and I’ve managed to hang a wreath on the front door. That’s it. Mike and David brought the tree down from the shelf in the garage after Thanksgiving and it stayed on the front room floor in the storage bag for over a week. It’s been upright in the usual family room spot for four days now, with lights attached but only because they are built into the tree, certainly not because I put them there. Christmas cards were just ordered two days ago. I hope they come in time. I’ve done very little shopping and honestly I’m just not feeling it this year - all the external trappings of the Christmas Season. When our boys were young there was an air of excitement as Christmas approached. I reveled in the cooking, shopping, trimmings, secrets and anticipation. And I was a perfectionist. I tried to teach the kids how to decorate the tree so it looked balanced. You know, all the holes filled in between branches and ornaments symmetrically displayed all the way around. I think about that now and hope I didn’t take all the fun out of it. Packages were wrapped in matching paper with homemade bows and hand designed gift tags. Christmas dinner was a Thanksgiving repeat - huge and amazing. Mike’s self appointed job has always been to put up the tree, make sure the lights work, then sit on the sofa and watch the kids and I embellish it. He stopped helping me hang ornaments after our first Christmas together, as I came behind him and moved every ornament he put on, to a different place. Now, I think I’d be thrilled if he and Jon hung all the decorations on the same side of the tree while I sat and watched. When I ask Jon, my perpetually moody, thirty-plus-year-old-teenager if he’d like to help, he looks at me like I have three eyes in the middle of my forehead and walks away. (He will, however, be very interested in opening the gifts underneath this undecorated tree. :) ) David and Clara won’t be here for Christmas. They’re going to be with her family this year (as they should), so no incentive there. Someone please tell me I’m not turning into a Grinch or maybe Scrooge! The good news, in my tale of Christmas woe, is the Jesus of Christmas is dearer to me than ever. We have come to the end of another year and my heart is decorated with blessings, warmth and the joy of His overwhelming love. Life is not perfect. There are struggles, frustrations and annoyances, but Jesus has been and will continue to be my faithful friend and gentle shepherd. As we celebrate this season of His Earth arrival, my heart grows two sizes larger at the thought of a Savior who came for me. To rescue. To strengthen. To comfort. To cleanse. To change. To love. ME. So whether the halls are decked or not, that’s enough to make even this Grinch, want to celebrate! Matthew 1:23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel (which means‘God with us’).”

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I yelled at my son last night.

I’m not a screamer, never have been. After growing up in a home of constant yelling, I vowed that I would not be that wife or mom.

But on rare occasions that vow hits an expiration date and this Jesus loving, pastor’s wife, overtime mom – YELLS! Yep, that’s right. Now you know (sorry to disappoint all those who tell me I’m the most patient person in the world).

Jon wanted to ride along to my chiropractor appointment yesterday afternoon. He patiently waited for me in the car and then we headed to one of his favorite hangouts – McD’s and the golden arches.

We ordered and settled in a booth at the back of the dining room. For a long while I preoccupied myself with my laptop, doing some reading and working on some writing, until I started feeling sleepy and decided to check the time.

If you’re a habitual reader of my adventures with Jon, you know that he is an extremely slow (among other things) eater. I’m not talking about regular slow or even irregular slow but the kind of slow that can get you top honors in the Guinness World Book of Records.

I couldn’t believe it, it was midnight! We’d been there for six hours. No wonder my eyes were shutting.

“Jon,” I said, “we need to leave now. We’ve been here too long and I’m falling asleep. I’ll throw away the trash. Please get your things together, and let’s get out of here.”

Unfortunately, Jon wanted to stay. The next twenty minutes consisted of various forms of me insisting and him resisting.

He wouldn’t get up at first. When he finally did, he tried bolting to the front of the building but I blocked him. With a half full cup of caramel latte in one hand and a partially eaten burger in the other, he went out the side door and started down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of where the car was parked.

I went after him and eventually herded him to the car, opened the door and very firmly instructed him to get in.

At this point, I so wanted to be home and Jon was feeling cornered and angry.

He bent over the seat and slammed his caramel latte into the center console cup holder so hard it exploded like a volcano all over the inside of the car. Sticky brown liquid dripped from the dash, down the side of the console onto the floor, ran inside the crevices of the console and splattered all over both front seats.

It was right there that I lost it. I exploded, just like that drink.

I put my hand on Jon’s shoulder, pushed him into the car and slammed the door.

Then he listened to hot lava erupt from my mouth most of the way home.

Today, the emotion of that moment has faded and I’m aware of my inappropriate reaction. I have apologized to him.

Jon doesn’t possess the ability to realize how his actions affect those around him so he won’t apologize in return. He never does.

Down syndrome limits some of his cognitive ability and autism doesn’t allow him to see past himself and into another’s heart. I know there will be no words or hugs from my son.

But none of that matters. I apologized to him because that is how relationships work, because I love him, and regardless of how frustrating his behaviors can be, because it’s the right thing to do.

God doesn’t ask perfect people to do His work of loving others, only willing hearts are needed. I have learned to quickly forgive and ask for forgiveness (whether it is granted or not) and move on.

Jon may push my buttons once in a while, but more importantly, I know how to push the Mercy reset button every morning, because God’s unending mercies, faithfulness and love are what Jon and I count on to bring us through another day of our unusual life together.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV) “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

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The main character in my novel is experiencing deep disappointment today.

She has just received a report that something she has been longing for and doing everything she can to facilitate, has not been a success. She is sad, discouraged and downcast.

Though she is despairing, I am not, because I am the author of the book. I am ordering her steps and writing her story and I know that I have a good end planned for her. It may not come in the time or way she wants but it is coming and as I write, I’m excited about the events and challenges unfolding along the way that will take her to a better end than she can know or understand at this moment.

If I could, I would tell her to trust me. I would tell her, don’t waste time and energy on despair because I already have it all worked out.

As I write my first novel, I’m gaining a greater understanding of who God is and how He works in my life.

I may not be experiencing immediate success in everything I planned for or even see how He is at work behind the scenes of my life.

My task as the main character in this unfolding drama of life, is to simply follow Him; trusting that He has a better plot line for my life than I could ever write on my own.

The Author wants this author to believe Him and finds a million ways a day to tell me...

...just trust.

The end is good.

Everything is going to turn out alright!

That is not fiction, that is fact. Because God is the Author of my story.

Hebrews 12:1-2 “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith…”

Ecclesiastes 7:8 “The end of a thing is better than its beginning…

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Disney has changed it's theme park leniency for disabled guests because of the behavior of a few able bodied folks who decided to exploit the kindness extended to those who rely on it. Apparently families with disposable income have been hiring disabled people or those who pretend they are, to take advantage of Disney's policy, allowing disabled guests to move to the front of attraction and ride lines. http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2013-09-27/business/os-disney-disabled-guests-policy-20130926_1_walt-disney-world-radiator-springs-racers-disney-california-adventure It's been a few years since we've visited Disney's Kingdom, but when our boys were young we went frequently. It was one of the perks of living in Central Florida. Jon who walks agonizingly slow, could handle about an hour on his feet, before he'd had enough and would plunk down on a sidewalk, in the middle of a walkway or a long line, refusing to get up. A few times we had to circle him to keep him from being trampled. He also gets irritated when jostled in a crowd and would bolt to find a quiet corner of refuge until everyone around him disappeared and we missed show times and ride starts because of it. Eventually, we decided to rent a wheelchair and later bought one to bring along, which made our outings to Disney more fun and hassle free. The wheelchair got Jon and us through the park faster and the ability to go to the front of the line helped us avoid Jon's crowd aversion. Under Mickey's new policy, families are now going to have to go to Fast Pass kiosks and come back to events at start times. For families who have kids with mental delays, autism and medical issues this could be the tipping point of a "just not worth it" way to spend a day. Paying hefty per person admission has been a bad deal for most of our families who usually can't spend an entire day at the park anyway. We're fortunate to get several hours in before an issue that is part of our normal every day life forces an exit. This add-on will only delay already precious time. For some, 'The Happiest Place on Earth' might not be as happy as it once was thanks to a few who used something not meant for them to their own advantage. Disney has taken the posture of the school teacher who punishes the whole class for what one kid did. But many policies of business, government, public systems and service have originated from the abuse of a few and prove the far and wide ripple effect our actions have on others. It's not fair. Unfortunately is it not unusual, and originates back to the beginning of time. All the way back to the Garden of Eden. Romans 5:18-19 tells us, "..just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.'' The sin condition started with the disobedience of Adam and Eve and all of us were affected. Jesus came to cure us, to offer a way out, a solution, an escape. I doubt The Magic Kingdom will budge on this new policy change. Their interest in profits will outweigh the needs of their disabled customers. But the top priority of Jesus is people. Me and you. He came to rescue the sick and the lost. His life, death, resurrection and ascension, enacted a divine policy for free admission and an eternal pass to hang out in God's Kingdom. No waiting in line. No disability. No wheelchairs. No pain. No crying. No guilt. No shame. No worries about missing out or someone stealing our place in line. And to think, all we have to do is believe in Him. Because of Christ we are special, we are loved, we are blessed. I have my admission ticket. How about you? "...the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23 , "For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost." Luke 19:10 , "… the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28      

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What am I to do when the circumstances of life become more than I can bear; when rising from my bed in the morning is like climbing a mountain and putting one foot in front of the other is exhausting, painful, overwhelming; when questions assault me on every side, my mind becomes a windstorm of thoughts, tears flow like rivers and my heart is broken?

I had to know.

So I asked.

I found a simple, yet most difficult answer.

Trust.

Do I believe in a God who can heal? Absolutely. I’ve seen and experienced healing and know He can and still does.

Do I believe in a God who can miraculously deliver me out of trouble? Definitely. I’ve encountered that in my own life and the lives of others.

Do I have faith for instant miracles? No question. All I need is faith the size of a mustard seed. I sweep dust from my kitchen floor bigger than that.

Do I believe God is sovereign and I won’t always understand His ways? Yes. So my mission is simply to believe Him, to trust Him.

No matter what.

To trust I am loved. Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

To trust I am never on my own. Matthew 28:20 I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

To trust in the darkest place. Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

To trust He has a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11 I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Philippians 6:6… being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it.

To trust He will bring me through. Isaiah 43:1-3 Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

To trust He knows what I need. John 6:68 “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

I have nowhere else to go. I’ve searched everywhere. No one, nothing, provides the answers I want or need.

It is only Christ who proves strong in my weakness, mighty in my suffering.

“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.” Psalm 103:13-14

Jesus walked where I walk, He felt what I feel. He experienced the wide range of emotions life on Earth brings.

He knows my frame, how I’m put together and what makes me tick.

He knows without Him I’m nothing but a pile of dust.

He lived, died and resurrected to fill the breach between Heaven and Earth. He did all that for me.

When I’m weary, broken, my faith is small and my hope is almost extinguished, Jesus sees and hears.

Compassion overtakes him.

I imagine Him, sitting to the right of the Father, his nail scared hands resting on the arms of the throne room chair.

He leans into God’s ear and pleads my case, reminding His Dad that it’s not easy being here, being human.

He rehearses what it was like to come to Earth and wear the same flesh suit I wear, walking this hard, dusty ground; totally immersed in what it is to be one of us; hungry, tired, thirsty, in pain, rejected, despairing, alone.

He understands I’m having a hard time, struggling under the weight of my affliction, breaking under the heaviness of my pain and pleads with the Father to provide extra mercy, a little more grace, to pour out some additional love from His endless supply; reassuring the hosts of Heaven that I’ll come around.

I’ll be alright.

When it’s all said and done I will come out of the furnace refined like pure gold, shining a little more like the beautiful gem that I was made to be.

This adversity will transform me, “for I know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”Romans 8:28

I’ll say like Joseph, “..you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good.“ Genesis 50:20

I’ll say with Apostle Paul,” But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

In everything.

At all times.

And especially when life is too hard to bear.

In God I will trust.

“When there's no getting over that rainbow, when my smallest of dreams won't come true I can take all the madness the world has to give, but, I won't last a day without you.” ~ From the song, ‘I Won't Last A Day Without You’ by The Carpenters~ 2 Corinthians 4:7-10, 17-18 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body…For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

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The faulty premise of being told, “God won’t give more than you can bear,” eventually brought me to a place of confusion, guilt and even condemnation. I didn’t understand why I was crushed, overwhelmed, barely able to breathe? Why wasn’t I stronger, more in control in the midst of my misery and heartache? Where was my faith? Believing this about God leads to several flawed conclusions:

• He sits on His throne handing out adversity to those He sees as tough enough to get through it. Does God look down on me and say, “That one there, see her? She’s a tough cookie. Give her the disabled kid and chronic illness. She can handle it.”

• He randomly tosses out varieties of affliction upon the earth and wherever it lands it lands. Does God have an Affliction Lottery Machine He draws from or a Wheel of Misfortune He spins until my name comes up? Whatever category it lands on is what I get to deal with in life?

I don’t think so. Who wants to believe in a God like that? That makes Him no different than other gods men have fabricated throughout history. God’s original intention for man NEVER included suffering. He created us and Earth in perfection. One result of living in a fallen, sin-filled, broken world is hardship and adversity. He also created man with the ability to choose. Sometimes our adversity is at the hand of others and we become victims of man’s free will; the spouse who leaves, the prodigal child, the friend who betrays or the child who is abused, kidnapped, murdered, the family killed by a drunk driver, the people who are maimed and die by a suicide bomber. Other times suffering is the result of our fallen and cursed earth; natural disasters such as flood, tornadoes, mudslides, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, fire, illness, disability and death. And still other afflictions come from our own decisions; addictions, bad habits and attitudes, faulty thinking, poor diet, lack of exercise, rest, discipline and self control. When my son was young and recited the classic child disclaimer, “But it’s not fair!” my reply was always, “Sorry kid, I was there the day you arrived. When the midwife put you in my arms, I checked you over from head to toe. I never saw a sticker on your behind that said you were exempt from the unfairness of life.” There are many in scripture who were overwhelmed by misery and suffering. If it’s true that God won’t give us more than we can bear, He better apologize to these folks. Job – “Why is life given to a man like me? God hasn’t told me what will happen to me. He has surrounded me with nothing but trouble. I sigh instead of eating food. Groans pour out of me like water.What I was afraid of has come on me. What I worried about has happened to me. I don’t have any peace and quiet. I can’t find any rest. All I have is trouble.” Job 3:23-26 David – “Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.” Apostle Paul – “For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, ofthe affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.” 2 Corinthians 1:8 Hebrews Faith Heroes – “And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented…they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise…” Hebrews 11:36-39. Yes, even Jesus – “ And he [Jesus] was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but yours be done.’ And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was great drops of blood falling down to the ground” Luke 22:41-44 Existence on Planet Earth is often an exercise in our definitions of unfairness. We all experience cycles of joy and pain, laughter and sorrow, contentment and frustration, peace and unrest. No one is exempt from tasting the full range of circumstances life doles out. Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation…” John 16:33 and “He [God] makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust,” Matthew 5:45. So I figured something out. Stuff happens, good and bad. We all get some and like everyone else, I get my share of each. Now what to do with it? If you’re discouraged about all this, don’t be. I’ve saved the good news for last. Scroll down for part three…’No Where Else to Go.’        

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In 1979 Mike and I had been married four years and had just returned to our home town in upstate New York from Portland, Oregon. We were fresh out of Bible college; our heads were stuffed with theology and our hearts were stuffed with hope. We were ready to turn the world upside down for Christ. We took the volunteer position of youth pastor at our home church and settled in to see what God had planned for chapter two of our love story. Little did I know that the next three years were about to test everything I believed or thought I knew. Our first child, Jonathan, was born with Down syndrome, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, Mike was diagnosed with toxic neuropathy, and my Jesus loving dad had a nervous breakdown and landed in the psyche ward. My well ordered little life suddenly swirled out of control. I was devastated, crushed, overwhelmed, and angry and questioned, prayed and sobbed, demanding answers. I reminded God of my “do good” list, how I’d spent my entire life in church, never smoked, did drugs, only drank alcohol once in high school, and was still a ‘good’ girl when I married, then moved all the way across country and back so my husband could go to Bible school. For some unknown reason, God had piled way more than I could handle on us, and I didn’t know what to do about any of it. There’s this thing that’s been gnawing at me for years, like a pebble in my shoe on a long walk. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the verse from 1 Corinthians 10:13 quoted to me and others who are over whelmed by suffering, trials, sickness, death and loss beyond their control. “God won’t give you more than you can bear.” I’d heard it, believed it and even said it, but something wasn’t adding up. It seemed to me that plenty of people, in the Bible, in history and in my own life faced hardships far greater than is humanly possible to endure. I decided to study this verse out, instead of just believing what I had always been told, (see my post 'My Favorite Love Story': https://aplacecalledspecial.com/2013/08/29/my-favorite-love-story/ for more on that). What I found was revealing. This passage isn’t talking about suffering and affliction at all, it’s referring to the temptation of sin. In context, Apostle Paul explains how the Israelites complained in the wilderness, worshiped idols, indulged in revelry, committed sexual immorality and tested God with their grumbling. According to Brother Paul, their hearts were set on evil and as a result, some of them were killed by snakes and a destroying angel. (1 Corinthians 10:6-10) He follows that with: ^“These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:11-13. After this, Paul immediately addresses the subject of idolatry and what is lawful but not necessarily edifying behavior. At no point in this passage is there any reference to trials of affliction or suffering. The word tempted or temptation used here comes from the same Greek word which means to test, entice, prove, scrutinize, or examine and is used in the following verses to give confirmation of the same meaning. Matthew 4:1 “then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.” Matthew 6:13 “…and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” Luke 22:45-46 “When He [Jesus] rose up from prayer, and had come to His disciples, He found them sleeping from sorrow. Then He said to them, “Why do you sleep? Rise and pray, lest you enter into temptation.” Hebrews 4:15 “For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” James 1:13-15 “Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempts he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it brings forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.’’ God does not tempt us to sin, EVER, but when we are tempted He is right there, providing a way out, strengthening us so we don’t give in. Jesus was the only one on earth who withstood the temptation of sin. By His sacrifice on the cross and by His example, we have everything we need to resist sin and also be forgiven when we succumb to its pull and power. As Christ followers, our greatest enemies are the world, our own flesh and the devil (Ephesians 2:1-3). All three seem hell bent (pun intended) on destroying us, so next time you are tempted to sin remember this, say this: “God is not tempting me beyond what I can bear but has provided a way of escape.” Based on my new understanding of this passage, I had just wiped one of our most used Christian clichés off the radar screen and had to come face to face with God and the problem of suffering. OK, so now what? What are we to do when our pain is greater than we can humanly bear and how do we justify that with a loving God? Scroll down for part two….'What Kind of God is He Anyway?'    

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I heard an interesting statistic this week.

Less than 2% who claim to believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ, spend any time reading the Bible.

Reasons are:

Don’t have time

Don’t understand

Can’t relate

It’s outdated, irrelevant

I used to be one of those and have recently been thinking about why and how that changed.

For many years the Bible was just another rule book to me, a list of things I should and shouldn’t do. It seemed dry and irrelevant to my daily concerns; a Girl Scout manual of hoops I needed to jump through to gain the next God-Is-Happy-With-Me–Again, badge.

Honestly, I was more worried about keeping the people around me happy, than a God I believed in but couldn’t see.

I memorized my Sunday School verses, learned the Bible stories, listened to countless sermons and did my duty devotional reading somewhat daily, but none of this was life giving. It was no different than brushing my teeth or making my bed every day; just something I did because I was supposed to.

I’d sat in church since toddler-hood but God was little more than the Big Meany in the sky.

I could see Him in my overactive imagination, a gigantic, glowing, being sitting on a golden throne with angels on both sides, a pen and a scroll in their hands.

God’s narrow, piercing eyes, always watching and searching for wrong doers, would zero in on me.

Suddenly God would exclaim, “There, see her?! That Diane girl? Look at what she’s doing now!”

He would look away from my activities here on earth to the angel on His right; the one who records sins for names starting with A through M.

Both angels, stretching their necks to look around the big fluffy cloud in their way, would follow the pointing finger of God; trying to see what I’m up to this time.

“ She’s doing that thing again!” God would purse his lips in disgust and shake His giant head.

“Write it down! Now!”

The angel, who was still trying to find me in a sea of humanity would snap to attention and start recording the date, time and my newest offense. He didn’t have to ask God my name. He’d written it so many times he always remembers.

In my mind, God was the giant Santa in the sky, making a list, checking it twice, finding out who’s naughty or nice.

And you better be ready when He comes to town ‘cause you’re in for it! No blessing for you only guilt, shame and punishment.

Since I was a small child, I’d heard and read that God loved me even sent His Son to die for me, but I couldn’t justify the God of the Old Testament with the Jesus of the New Testament.

God seemed psychotic, wiping whole people groups off the planet one minute and dying on a cross for me the next.

I didn’t get it.

Through a series of life circumstances that aligned like the planets, I came to a place where all the Christian cliches and doctrines I had memorized didn’t give me the answers I was looking for anymore.

I wanted more, needed more than my shallow beliefs. I knew about God but I was miserable. What I desperately wanted was for Him to be my soul mate. I had to know if He really loved ME and I could love Him back.

If He was the God of love that Jesus portrayed, why did I feel so unworthy? Why did I feel like God didn’t like me?

We each have filters that are the sum total of our experiences, thought process, values and beliefs which influence the way we view God. All my life, I had believed only what I’d been told, but hadn’t diligently searched it out for myself.

I came to the realization that my concept of God might be faulty and I didn’t know Him at all. So I began to ask Him to show Himself to me, if He truly was my Heavenly Father, to reveal the greatness of His love.

When I opened the Bible, I prayed that I would not read anything into or pull anything out of it that wasn’t truly there. I asked God to let me see exactly what He wanted me to see in its pages.

The transformation was slow but amazing, and gradually I fell in love with the God who loves me, the God in my Bible.

He began to strip away all the things I thought I knew and replace them with a simple trust in who He is.

My filters and assessment of God never changed who He truly is; they only distorted the way I had perceived Him. I began to see everything differently.

Religion told me I had to do more, be more, be better. God just tells me He loves me and calls me into His love.

God’s Word is no longer a rule book but a love letter and God isn’t a mean, score keeping, dictator but my friend and merciful, caring Father. Now, I want nothing more than to make Him happy, not out of fear or obligation but because of love.

From beginning to end, the Bible is God’s love story for humanity. It explains how He created us for friendship but also created us with choice. While I am busy choosing everything else, God mercifully and constantly calls me back to his heart, because with Him is where I belong.

My Bible is that special letter God wrote to me; like one a lover would send and I keep in a treasured place, unfolding gently so as not to tear the worn, yellowed creases.

I read it again and again and am filled with joy in discovering He loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. I am adored, and cherished by the God of the Universe and His heart breaks whenever my own wanders far and He can’t be near me.

What girl doesn’t love a good love story?

And how amazing to be the main character in the best one of all.

I think I’ll stop writing now. I need to read my love letter again, today.

He's Everything to Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywzlq2AiAuM

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Most weddings my pastor husband, Mike, presides over include the favored reading of the qualities of love from 1 Corinthians 13. My observance of these joyful ceremonies, finds me wondering if these young, love struck couples, holding hands and gazing deep into one another’s eyes, understand the words they are hearing and repeating. I remember standing with Mike on our wedding day and wholeheartedly agreeing to that promise. Thirty eight years later I realize I had little to no comprehension what it really meant. “Love is patient, kind, does not envy or boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no list of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres and never gives up.” Sounds nice doesn’t it? Wouldn’t happily-ever-after be more than a fairy tale if we showed up with all the Love Chapter qualities intact on our wedding day? None of us do. We may be in love but we sure don’t know much about it yet. When the fireworks of the honeymoon dissipate and life settles into routine joys, challenges and responsibilities, the truth of the Love Chapter comes to test, stretching and challenging us in ways we never imagined. You may be at the start of your marriage journey or have already traveled the road for a long time. Either way, I want to share a few things with you I’ve learned since Mike and I said “I Do,” thirty eight years ago today. 1. It’s Not All About You: Ask a young dating or engaged couple what they love about their significant other. The reply is telling. “He makes me happy.” ” I need her.” “I don’t want to live without him.” Many answers start with ‘I’ or refer to how the other person makes ‘me’ feel. Most of us start marriage from a position of selfishness. I know I did. I hope all of us experience an abundance of dizzying romance, exploding fireworks and breath taking passion in marriage but real love is deeper than heart thumping emotion. Love is action. Love is putting the other person ahead of “me” when you would rather have it your way. Love is sometimes hard to DO and even harder to BE. It doesn’t always feel good and it isn’t always easy. The good news is God IS LOVE and He can help us learn the fine art of laying “me” aside when necessary and cheerfully considering the needs of another. Emancipation from the jail of selfishness brings us into a freedom and joy we never imagined. 2. Make a Commitment to Stay: You won’t always feel the overwhelming rush of emotion you’re experiencing right now. Feelings ebb and flow like the tide - in and out. While Hollywood tells us, when the feeling is gone the love is gone, I Corinthians 13 portrays love as the sum of many decisions and actions instead of a feeling. A relationship based solely on emotion stands on a shallow and shaky foundation. As the days turn into years there are continuous choices to be made. How will I treat those I say I love, especially when the goose bumps and warm fuzzy feelings are absent? How will I apply love to my words and deeds, and by doing so become more than a sounding gong or clanging cymbal-just a lot of noise void of substance? You might have a few mornings when you wake up, roll over, look at your spouse and forgot what it was you loved about them on your wedding day. That’s OK. It’s normal! Don’t panic. Don’t run. Don’t hide. Stick it out and work through it. Learning to be married well doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a lifetime. When you look back years later and say, “We’ve been through so much together, we’ve come far, we made it, and I still love you,” you’ll be glad you stayed and will have a deeper understanding of what REAL love is. 3. You Will Have Problems. I wish we could get through life without problems but somewhere along the way they always show up. They add a dynamic to marriage that can bring you closer together or pull you apart. We all respond in diverse ways to difficulty, so make allowances for the differences in your spouse’s reaction to illness, stress, loss, hardship. Don’t expect him/her to react the way you do to every situation. God is wise in not revealing the future all at once. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord” (Proverbs 37:23) means He reveals the plan and purpose one day at a time, one step at a time and promises to walk into it with us. Do remember, God has grace great enough to get you and your marriage through anything. If, as a couple, you are continually seeking His wisdom and trusting Him together, you will come out on the other side of your trials better and stronger than ever. 4. You Won’t Always Agree. If you want to live with someone who agrees with you all the time, marry a mannequin. You can dress it however you want. It will never gain weight, get wrinkles or gray hair and will always love your opinion because it will never have one! We usually marry someone with a few brain cells and some thought process. This is good news, because they can add a whole new perspective to our way of seeing things IF we let them. Listen and be open to your spouse’s point of view. You could actually learn something. If you don’t agree on every point it’s not the end of the world or your relationship. Learning how to disagree and still respect each other is an important key to keeping your marriage moving forward. 5. Learn to Compromise: Though you may not agree on every point, you have to come to some sort of middle ground on the important stuff. We bring different backgrounds and temperaments into marriage and coming to reasonable agreement as mature adults is a learned skill so don’t be discouraged and give up if you don’t handle this well the minute the ‘I Do’s’ are said. Some negotiation and compromise are essential for two people to live together day in and out. It's called being flexible! Discernment and wisdom are required to know when to hold on or let go, speak or be quiet, give or take. Remember that pouting or resorting to silence every time we have to give in a bit doesn’t win us admiration points with our spouse. That’s what kids do. Remember we’re not kids anymore, we’re adults! 6. Laugh: Here’s a good question to ask yourself; how much fun are you to be around? Do you enjoy being with yourself? If the answer is no, others probably don’t want to hang around with you either. Are you a moody, frowning, opinionated, nagging, critical, complaining, miserable person who pushes people away with a constant negative attitude? What a HUGE turn off for a spouse who has to put up with you daily!! Obviously we aren’t up all the time. Life can be difficult and throw challenges our way, some we don’t even see coming. But finding joy in life, being a good listener and encourager, even wearing a smile goes a long way. It makes you and everyone inside your perimeter feel better. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s plenty of humor in the everyday events of life. People are pretty funny creatures. Even the things that cause stress can be funny if we look at them from another side. Laughter is the most priceless thing in the world and it doesn’t cost a cent. Having fun, being fun, doesn’t have to expensive but it is absolutely essential to a happy marriage. 7. Pray Pray, pray and pray some more. Oh and did I say PRAY?! No one knows you or your spouse better that the One who created you. God can give you keys to unresolved conflict, patience when you’ve run out, and ideas to keep your relationship fresh and fun. He can help you see your spouse from His perspective and give you understanding about what makes them tick, why they do those things that make you crazy. Once you receive God’s heart for your spouse, it’s easier to let go and just love them for who they are. And if you pray together, better yet. It’s hard to stay mad at someone you pray with. There’s something about love and prayer that strengthen each other and that’s really good for marriage. So pray! 1 Corinthians 13 What if I could speak all languages of humans and of angels? If I did not love others, I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all knowledge? And what if I had faith that moved mountains? I would be nothing, unless I loved others. What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive? I would gain nothing, unless I loved others. Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or ⁵ rude. Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages will no longer be spoken. All that we know will be forgotten. We don’t know everything and our prophecies are not complete. But what is perfect will someday appear, and what isn’t perfect will then disappear. When we were children, we thought and reasoned as children do. But when we grew up, we quit our childish ways. Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror. Later we will see him face to face. We don’t know everything, but then we will, just as God completely understands us. For now there are faith, hope, and love. But of these three, the greatest is love.

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I took Jon to Wendy’s fast food restaurant the other day…well…let’s say, I tried.

He emerged from his room in the early afternoon, around 1pm, desperately needing a shower, shave and change of clothes and headed for the garage to get in the car; his signal that, ” I’d like to go someplace now.”

I told him there would be no going anywhere looking like he just crawled out from under a rock. He frowned and shuffled back inside to the bathroom.

By the time we got in the car, Jon had showered, put on clean clothes and it was almost 7:30 pm.

He was also wearing a plastic headband with paper Mickey Mouse ears taped to it, garden gloves and a flowered belt from my closet. Random items were tucked between the belt and his waist, a plastic sword, a drumstick, a long glow stick with a bright red heart on the end and several other unidentified objects.

He handed me a note and I stared at the scrawled print trying to figure out what it said. Considering the way he was decorated, I had a feeling I already knew.

I deciphered the words, DISENI and MIKEY MOSE and realized I was correct. He wanted to go to Disney.

Problem number one, it was already late and we don’t live in Kissimmee anymore. From there, Disney was a fifteen minute drive. Now that we’re located thirty miles north of Orlando, Disney is an hour away, maybe more depending on interstate traffic.

Problem number two, our Disney passes expired several years ago and Jon doesn’t understand it costs a bundle to get in the park and is barely worth the price when you’re staying all day. Forget it if you’re showing up an hour or two before it closes.

I handed the note back, “Sorry Dude, it’s too late to go to Disney now. You took so long getting ready we don’t have much time to go anywhere. How about Wendy’s or McDonalds. They’re both open late.”

He scowled as he took the note back and turned it over. I waited another ten minutes until he finally wrote WEDYS on the back. By the time we pulled into Wendy’s parking lot it was 8:05pm.

I shut off the car and told him that his costume was pretty impressive but “If you don’t want people staring at you all night then you better take all that stuff off and leave it in the car.”

Sometimes he cares about that, other times, not. He carefully took everything off except the flowered belt.

I got out of the car and walked over to wait for him near the door. It was now 8:30.

Jon stayed in the car at least another ten minutes trying to decide what he wanted to bring inside. Finally the door opened and another five minutes passed, then two legs appeared beneath.

After several minutes went by he stood up. He remained statue still in that spot for about five minutes.

He finally shut the door and stayed next to the car for nearly ten minutes, pushing buttons on an imaginary keypad under the door handle.

I pulled out my remote and hit the lock button. The horn beeped. Jon frowned.

It took him another eight minutes to walk from the car to the sidewalk curb. Once he was actually on the sidewalk that led to the entrance, I went inside, sat down at a table near the window and continued to watch his slow progress toward the door.

While I watched, a woman who had passed me thirty minutes prior, as I waited on the sidewalk, finished eating and came back by me to leave. She glanced out the window at Jon, who was slowly making his way to the door in intermittent starts and pauses.

“Are you with him?” She asked.

“Yes.” I forced a smile.

I was hungry and tired of waiting. Honestly, I really wanted to go outside and give my kid a big boot in the behind with my foot to get him moving. It took every ounce of self control I had and a lot of Jesus talking to stay in that chair and keep waiting.

I also realized if someone saw me do that, I’d probably be in handcuffs for assaulting a disabled person in Wendy’s parking lot. So I stayed put and prayed for more patience and grace and tried to put my thoughts on something other than my snail slow child.

“Is he your son?” the woman asked, not waiting for an answer. “I’m a special ed teacher in Orlando,” she continued.”It sure takes a lot of patience sometimes doesn’t it?”

Sometimes?!!?

“Yes it does,” I replied, “And I think I’m about to run out if he doesn’t get in here pretty soon.”

I smiled again, hoping she wouldn’t think worse of me for what I’d just said. She was trying to complement me after all.

Her preschool size grandson was pulling on her, stretching her arm so far he slid sideways to the floor. He was ready to go and I found myself wishing Jon was like him; wishing I could be over the agonizing amount of waiting that happens whenever I take Jon any place.

The woman smiled back. “You are a very patient person,” she said.

I was thankful what I was really feeling wasn’t showing on the outside.

I realized then that we easily confuse self control with patience. I was anything BUT patient right then. My ability, by God’s grace, to control myself when I wanted to do anything but had been perceived as patience.

“Thank You God, for self control,” I said out loud to God and myself as she turned to leave.

Self control isn’t a popular topic in our impatient culture but it’s such a crucial foundation to the other character qualities we need. Love, peace, endurance, tolerance, kindness, gentleness, patience all start with putting self aside for the good of another.

Proverbs 25:28 states, “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Sounds to me like a place left defenseless. Without self control, all boundaries are gone and every destructive thing has access to our life.

My outing with Jon didn’t end any better than it started. He came through the restaurant door at 9:25pm. We ordered by 9:40 and I sat back down while Jon took his time at the soda machine and condiment counter.

I ate quickly and was booting up my laptop, relaxing into a few hours of writing time, when the manager walked back to let me know they were closing.

We had to leave.

“At 10 o’clock?” I asked in disbelief. Hadn’t I seen advertisements, posters and billboards announcing Wendy’s late night hours all over the place?

Jon hadn’t even sat down yet. He was still pumping ketchup into little paper cups.

I sighed, put my laptop away and readied myself for the struggle coming to get him back out the door he had just come through.

Thank God for self control.

Like my good friend Glee always says, “Just ‘cause self control is last on the list doesn’t mean it’s not important,”

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..

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I’ve heard the word ‘special’ directed toward me as a mother for many years, since our first child was born with Down syndrome then later developed autism.

"God gives these special kids to special people like you because He's knows you can handle it.”

When you ask expectant parents whether they are hoping for a boy or girl the most common answer is, “I don’t care as long as the baby is healthy and normal.”

I have never heard anyone say, “Oh either is fine, but I’m really hoping we have a special child!”

Other than the few amazing heroes who willingly adopt disabled children, no one really longs to have a disabled child. The irony that you are suddenly special if you get one has always puzzled me.

Regardless, I know people mean well and are trying to be kind and encouraging so I usually smile and move on with the conversation.

On especially stressful Jon days, when I'm not much in a “Yahoo!” frame of mind, I've thought of asking (but have never done so) those who tell me how special I am, “Truthfully now, would you feel special if your child was born with ____________ (fill in the blank with any disability)?"

Our son, Jonathan, displays frequent resistant behaviors that can be challenging and one morning I remember, was particularly difficult. All directives and attempts to get Jon to school on time were met with opposition and finally resulted in Jon locking himself in the bathroom and refusing to open the door.

I drove him to school everyday and by the time we arrived - late again - I was incredibly stressed and on the verge of tears.

David, our youngest child, and a friend who was visiting from another state, accompanied me. We had made plans to spend the day at one of Central Florida’s theme parks, so after Jon was finally delivered to his classroom, we headed to the nearest store to purchase a few items and visit the ATM.

I parked the car and the three of us were walking toward the store entrance when I saw him, a silver haired man wearing a bright orange vest and a big smile. He was holding a plastic container for the obvious purpose of taking donations.

I was still revved up from my morning encounter with Jon, taking deep breaths and forcing my mind to move on to calmer thoughts and the fun day ahead.

As I walked past the orange-vested man he thrust the container toward me and in a most kind and gentle voice asked, “Maam, would you like to donate to the disabled this morning?”

This unfortunate guy had no idea how poorly timed his inquiry was. He had no clue what I had just been through or what he was in for. I stopped mid-stride, turned and glared at him.

That simple question was the last straw, as the saying goes. All the pent up frustration still swirling around inside exploded out of me like hot lava from an erupting volcano.

Like some sort of lunatic, I yelled, “Oh sure! I’d just love to,” right in his face.

I ripped open my purse, clawed through my wallet, grabbed the first available paper bill I found and crammed five dollars inside that container so forcefully the surprised man almost dropped it on the sidewalk.

Then I loudly declared, “There you go sir, something for the disabled. Now what do you plan to do for their mothers?!" as I turned and stomped inside the store leaving him with his mouth hanging open and my free paper flower dangling from his fingers.

I didn’t feel very special that day. Still don’t for that matter. If I am entirely honest, I often feel very inadequate and way too tired for this job.

Jill Kelly, author and speaker, says sometimes God does give you more than you can handle so He can show Himself strong in and through you.

In my weakness, He is made strong (2 Corinthians 12:9). So I've figured something out in the midst of all this. God is trying to make me into something special and this child is part of the plan, stamped indelibly into the blueprint of my life.

This design wasn’t included in the life I had visualized when I looked ahead many years ago. And there are times even now when I look forward and struggle with an overwhelming sense of fear and uncertainty for my son’s future.

But this I am sure of, God can be trusted with every detail of life. If I continually lean into Him, He provides everything I need to press on.

Keeping my focus on Jesus as I learn, in my weakness, to reflect Him to a hurting world, is the ultimate goal. How I reach that goal is often a blend of His grace and my endurance.

I have come so far from the person I was at the beginning of this journey. I trust somewhere along the way or at least near the end of the road I will finally reach a resemblance of something special in God's eyes.

Because in God’s kingdom, being His ‘special child’ is the highest compliment and honor!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plansfor good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

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Proverbs 18:17 "The first to state his case seems right until another comes and cross-examines him." It is unwise to make judgements based on a one sided story and limited facts. Be careful about believing everything heard or read. There's always two sides to every situation, sometimes more. When I don't bother to obtain all the facts, assumptions are made founded on skewed perspectives. Relationships can be damaged, sometimes severely. Picking up an offense that has nothing to do with me, based solely on what one person has said is a waste of my time, energy and emotion. It's not worth it. I don't need more drama in life than I already create on my own! The Bible calls this gossip and also calls me foolish for partaking. Jesus said offenses will come (Luke 17:1) and tomorrow has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34) so why borrow offense from others? If I'm not part of the solution, I shouldn't make it my problem. Quietly pray for all involved and move on. Let God and the people concerned sort it out. Proverbs 10:18 ESV "..whoever utters slander is a fool." Proverbs 17:9 ESV "Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends." Matthew 18:15-18 (MSG) "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love."

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Observations made as I worked in my garden today:

Weeds don't need any help to grow.

They don't need fussing over, fertilizing, pruning...most of the time they don't even need water, but the plants providing the most beauty and benefit need diligent care and some Miracle Gro.

Lesson 1~God speaking: Check your heart often, Diane. Weeds sprout up from nowhere and everywhere. Weeds of bitterness, resentment, anger, envy, gossip, lethargy, disillusionment...so many!

They grow fast and are hard to pull out once firmly rooted. Get rid of them quick before they take over your universe!

Give attention to your heart’s essential growth. Fruits of love, joy, peace, kindness, lo-o-o-o-n-n-ng suffering, patience, goodness, self control...so many!

They grow slowly but once rooted, are firmly planted. Keep them fed and watered until they take over your universe.

Me: “Yes Lord, You are my Miracle Gro and I submit to your loving cultivation.”

A bee buzzed in angry circles as I fertilized a plant where he was collecting nectar.

I told him (Yes, I talk out loud to creatures and plants. So now you all KNOW I'm crazy), "Listen up Mr. Bee, I'm the one who put this flower here. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be enjoying it, so don't get mad at me. There's plenty more around here, so move it!"

Lesson 2~God speaking: "Diane, everything you have comes from Me, so don't get mad at Me when I'm trying to make improvements in your life. Some may come disguised in perplexity and inconvenience but don't be like that bee."

Me: "OK Lord, got it. But you'll probably have to remind me again tomorrow. I might forget."

God speaking: "Well, just come back out to your garden. You'll remember."

Didn't know a garden can teach you things?

Go plant one and listen.

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Like all of us, my son Jonathan, craves independence – freedom.

How do I know this?

Well, first of all I know my son. I’m with him more than anyone else. But the most convincing evidence is observance of his actions and reactions.

When he wanders off, he’s not running away (like the police who help us find him believe), he’s relishing the idea of going someplace on his own, without being followed or watched.

In a restaurant, he longs to make his own food choices and scowls if suggestions are made. Occasionally he refuses to sit with us and moves to another table. I’m not offended. I understand he wants his own space.

At the store, he chooses items he likes, with no regard for cost and becomes very aggravated when asked to put something back.

He likes to stay up all night so he can have freedom to do whatever he wishes, without someone telling him to shower, shave, take his meds, put on clean clothes and a myriad of other directives that steer him toward a bit of responsibility.

If rushed, he balks, often freezing in place, because he wants the freedom to do it in his time and his way.

Jon has few choices in life. To give my son a small taste of the independence he craves, I have become incredibly adept at appearing to be uninterested in what he’s doing while constantly watching or following from a distance. Sometimes I am called out for this by strangers in public places, who don’t understand. They accuse me of being inattentive.

Maybe they don’t understand that true love recognizes the unspoken needs and desires of another and makes allowances for them.

What Jon doesn’t comprehend is this; freedom is not a license to do what we want whenever we want. It is a privilege that directs responsible living.

We are not given liberty for selfish means with no thought of the ripple effect our actions have on others. Freedom, lived out properly, sets us and everyone within our sphere of influence, free.

Choice is a wonderful thing but it also has consequences, not just for us but also for those around us. When Jon chooses to not take his meds and is sick, not be ready on time for an appointment, not be safe by wandering away, it affects us in colossal ways.

His desire for independence does not encompass the enormity of the consequences created for those who love and care for him.

From the very beginning we understand God created man with options and never forces us to do, say or choose the right thing. He watches and follows us from a distance if need be, His heart bursting with love and concern for our well-being.

We may push Him aside or away, but He is always waiting in the wings for us to choose righteousness, to choose what is best, to choose Him.

And when we wander far away, He recklessly searches for the one lost sheep, gathers it in His arms and brings it back to the safety of the sheepfold.

I’m not certain my son will ever understand how much he needs me, a flawed and often inadequate mother.

I, however, never want to forget how much I need my perfect, powerful, loving God. My only hope for true freedom lies in knowing Him.

He gave up everything, laid down His life so I could.

So you could.

Don’t see Him? Don’t feel Him? Turn around and look.

There He is..watching and waiting from a distance, just like I do with my Jon.

He never takes His eyes (or His love) off of you.

He is waiting to set you free.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm,then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

2 Corinthians 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit,and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

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A new house is being built on the lot next door. All the trees and brush on the north side of our home have been leveled and we are adjusting to the fact that very soon, a view of looming walls will be replacing nature on our northern horizon.

Our quiet acre of paradise has been invaded by backhoes, construction trucks and crews of workers wielding high decibel power tools and playing loud music, while attempting to converse over top of all the racket they are making.

Two weeks ago we went outside after a rain and noticed water runoff, beginning near the side of the newly constructed foundation and flowing down, through the mulched area that stretches along the edge of our driveway between the two properties. A tiny rivulet of scooped out earth had formed and washed some of the bark mulch into our driveway gravel.

We pointed this out to the general contractor who promised to take care of it right away.

He didn’t.

A few days later after another hard rain, the first stream was larger and several more had formed. Now mulch and sand was washing down the driveway all over the cemented section in front of the garage. While I cleaned it up, the boss man looked it over and said he’d take care of it right away.

He didn’t.

Several evenings ago we had one of the hardest rains I’ve seen in a while; one of those monsoon varieties with continuous thunder, lightning and a wide open fire hydrant sky, pouring torrential waters down from the heavens for well over an hour. It was one of Florida’s crazy, hazy summer afternoon rain storms.

When we went outside the next morning, an entire section of mulch and gravel and about one inch of sand that makes up the lower part of our driveway and its landscaped edge was washed up nearly to the garage door and under our cars.

It was a mess. And I was upset!

I won’t bore you with the all the details of what happened next. I will say that as soon as I went to the shed for a shovel and started digging the trench myself (that had been repeatedly promised) between our property and the construction site, reinforcements were quickly called in to help clean up the mess in our driveway. It took five of us about four hours to shovel, rake, sweep and pressure wash the driveway back to its original state.

Apparently a fence company has been called and is supposed to come ASAP to put up a silt barrier. It will be buried eight inches under the ground along the edge of our property to stop the run-off and erosion into our driveway. I’m praying they come before it rains again.

I had a light bulb moment for my own heart, when I commented to Mike yesterday, “We all could have been spared four hours worth of sweaty, back breaking work in the hot sun if this had been taken care of back at the onset of the problem.”

Hebrews 12:1 talks about the besetting sins that hinder us from finishing the course of our life; Song of Solomon 2:15, about the “little foxes that spoil the vine”; Hebrews 12:15, about the root of bitterness that left unchecked, grows until it defiles not only me, but many others; James 1:15 lays out the course of sin from a seemingly petty initial desire to conception and the end result.

It’s impossible to contain a river once it overflows. When I hand the destructive forces of my life over to God at their beginnings, while they’re still small, it allows for the eradication of problems that eventually swell out of control and run loose all over everything and everyone. I need to deal with my stuff before it’s gone too far.

Inside the human condition, every tiny trickle and tributary left without God’s blueprinted boundary is potentially a mess in the making; a river of self destruction that flows farther and wider than we ever intended. Yes, thank God. He can restore. He can put us back together. He can repair the breach and clean up our mess, but it’s so much better if we just don’t go there at all.

May God help me commit every tiny area of my heart to His work of redemption, so the only thing flowing outward is the living waters of a life lived in Jesus.

I pray every day what gushes from within me and all over you, is more and more of Him and whole lot less of me.

John 7:38 (ESV) Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”

“A little thorn may cause much suffering. A little cloud may hide the sun. Little foxes spoil the vines; and little sins do mischief to the tender heart.” ~Charles Spurgeon~

“Mighty oaks from little acorns grow.” ~14^thCentury Proverb~

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Gently imploring, "Come to me. Bring me whatever you have, whatever you are. I love you exactly as you are so come." It didn't matter to us or Him, what any of us had or the size of it, we were just joyfully relieved to be giving it all to Jesus, the good, bad and indifferent parts of us. He was willingly receiving it all and was pleased. He's calling my name and yours. He's patiently waiting. So what are we waiting for?

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There’s a program I like to watch on TV about competing teams of interior designers who are given several hundred dollars for the challenge of choosing a few flea market items to refurbish and re-sell at the same flea market for a profit. The team that sells their re-designs for the highest earnings receives all the money at the show’s end.

The designers choose objects that are broken, worn, damaged, old, ugly and possibly considered useless. They possess a passion for creative imagination and an eye for seeing something that is not yet there, turning discarded stuff into something people want. They restore value.

Just before Jesus began his ministry, scripture tells us, he was in the synagogue reading aloud this portion of Isaiah 61:

"And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read. And He was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah. And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Then,” Luke 4:16-21 says, “He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

Jesus came to this planet wrapped in an earth suit – flesh and blood- to restore beauty and value to a broken world; to take us back where we have always belonged, into an intimate relationship with God our Father.

As Master Designer, God lovingly sorts through the scrap heap of our lives and sees us for who we can be rather than what we are. He sets our life on a path of repair and redemption the minute we yield everything we have and are to Him.

Feeling ugly, tattered, damaged, and useless? Though you may see yourself as such, your value has never once diminished inside God’s plan. He proved His obsession for your restoration by paying for it with the life of His Son.

Are there pieces and parts of you that are shattered, incomplete or in disrepair? Broken things are God’s specialty.

Surrender all your brokenness to God and allow Him a divine re-design. The process may be inconvenient and even painful at times, but endure it with gladness.

When God revalues a broken thing the results are priceless and beyond astounding, because that is exactly what you are in His eyes!

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Philippians 1:3 & 6 “I thank my God every time I remember you… being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.^”

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King David’s relationship with his son Absalom, had been strained for several years, after Absalom killed his half brother Amnon (2 Samuel 13). And now, in 2 Samuel 15, we find David and a large group of loyal followers leaving Jerusalem when the king receives word that his son has launched a rebellion and is on his way to the city to overtake the throne. Once again David is running for his life, this time from his own child (2 Samuel 15-18).

After Absalom arrives in Jerusalem and discovers his father is gone, Absalom begins to plot how to find and kill him. One of David’s trusted advisors, Hushai, has stayed behind under the pretense of switching allegiance to Absalom, but undercover, he is relaying Absalom’s intentions and actions as they unfold, to David, by messenger.

Ahithophel, Absalom’s top chosen advisor, recommends rallying troops to go after David immediately, but after Absalom listens to Hushai’s counsel, he decides to follow his plan instead. After all, Hushai has been a close and trusted friend of King David and would have knowledge of the King that no one else does and Absalom, at this point, has no indication to distrust Hushai’s intentions.

Behind the scene, God is using Hushai to reverse Ahithophel’s strategy (which actually was the best one for defeating David) to bring disaster down on King David’s rebellious son, Absalom.

How it all ends is not the most important point of this drama. Let's spotlight on this scripture for a minute - 2 Samuel 17:23:

“When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.”(NLT)

Wow! When I read this I had to stop and consider, how many times in my own life, would I rather been dead than have my opinion rejected, ignored, overlooked? Maybe not literally dead, but the, “You don’t like what I believe or say so I’m going to pack myself up and cut myself off from you and anyone else who does not value what I think,” kind of dead.

This mindset is a growing norm in our society. People are polarizing around issues of government, politics, religion, ethics, morals, lifestyles and behavior. Everyone wants to be heard, be right, and all who disagree, on either side of the divide, are considered intolerant, hateful and narrow minded. It’s an all out, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” continuous brawl!

Many years ago, Mike went to visit a church member who was in a mental ward. As this guy shared his plight, he confessed there were things in his past he couldn’t let go of because he was right and “those people” were wrong. Mike asked him, “Would you rather get out of here or be right?” The man’s reply was, “I’d rather be right.” That man could still be in that psyche ward; maybe he died in there for all we know. Sometimes there’s a high price for always needing to be right.

Back in the narrative of 2 Samuel – Absalom thought he had a right to the crown but he died in the war that ensued as he tried to escape from some of David’s men that came upon him. They found Absalom hanging by his long, thick hair that tangled in a fat tree branch after his mule kept going and left him dangling there. And his big-ego counselor, Ahithophel, needed to be right so much, that he hanged himself all because his opinion went unheeded!

The only one really in the right here was David, who had already learned the hard way that being so is not more important than being king, being cast from God’s presence or falling out of relationship with a son or friend. Just a read through the Psalms of David allows us to see how he experienced the lessons of pride, humility, exaltation, brokenness, reliance upon self or trust in God.

Jesus laid down his rights to be right and died for us. Before doing so, He told us to love one another as He loved us (1 John 3:16). That’s a colossal assignment

When being right and having the last word becomes more important than relationships with people, God, or living a life of peace and contentment, serious trouble is brewing.

Don’t get ‘hung up’ on always being right. I’m painfully and slowly learning it’s better to humbly die to self, than be dead right; cut off from the Spirit of God in my life and those I am called to love and serve!

That’s way too great a price and one I’m not willing to pay, anymore.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite [humble] spirit.

Philippians 2:3-8 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

John 10:17-18 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life…No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.

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Most of the church staff is away at a leadership conference. I wanted to go but I’m home with my son instead. So now I have a choice to make. I can be sad, mad, annoyed, feel left out and left behind OR I can see a day ahead full of amazing promise and purpose.

It’s a beautiful Florida day and my garden and flower beds are bursting with blooms in the spring sunshine. The lake behind our property is sparkling like diamonds in the sun and the ducks, egrets, osprey, sand cranes and song birds are calling to each other. The little Anole lizards are sunning themselves on our pool screen, the males showing off for the gals, with amusing pushups and throat puffing.

I’ve already had time to exercise, get into God’s word and spend some time in conversation with Him. I have things swirling in my head that need to be written, several sewing projects to complete, a stack of books to read, some things that need to be organized and a few new recipes I’d like to try. There’s laundry to do, floors to sweep, bathrooms to clean and when Jon decides to come out of his room I will need to spend a few hours convincing him to get in the shower. There’s plenty to do, much to be thankful for and no time to pout or be miserable about what could or should be on such a gorgeous day!

I’ve come to realize that God sometimes calls us down a different path than those around us. Our life may not look like everyone else but He still has a plan and a purpose in it. We may not understand all the whys or hows, but His sufficient grace is great enough to change our heart from one that whines, kicks and complains, like an unhappy toddler not getting what she wants in a toy store, to one of peace and contentment in our circumstances.

If contentment comes only when conditions surrounding me are pleasant and bursting with abundance, accomplishment, accolades, fun, happiness and warm fuzzy feelings, I’m in big trouble. 1 Thessalonians 5:18, tells us we should be thankful IN all things. I’m glad Paul didn’t say we had to be thankful FOR all things, that’s too hard to do. The more I practice thankfulness the easier it becomes. My contentment meter registers less and less like an over-active earthquake seismograph, emotions level out and peace reigns once again. It’s a beautiful thing!

There is a loud and annoying bulldozer in the lot next door grading and leveling for a new house soon to be built, and my hubby called asking me to look up a restaurant on Google maps where he and the rest of the staff can all go for lunch together, but today I will choose to ignore that as well.

Proverbs 14:30 says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” Don’t know about you but I want life, health and peace flooding over me-inside and out.

I'm going to go make myself a salad and choose God’s plan for my day, for my life. I may need His help to start over again tomorrow, but on this day I choose contentment.

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

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A few days following the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, I went to the post office to mail a CD and buy a book of stamps.  As I  placed my small, bubble wrap lined, mail envelope on the counter, the clerk asked the usual,  “Does your package contain anything liquid, perishable, fragile or potentially hazardous?”

"No," I smiled, " it's just a CD. Nothing dangerous in there."

By his demeanor, I could tell the guy was in a grumpy mood, but it was his response that revealed how troubled he was about the recent tragedy. 

 "We'll you never know now days. Could be instructions on how to build a bomb or take out a theater full of people on a DVD."

"I suppose that's possible, but I don't know much about guns and nothing about bombs. This is just a Microsoft program for a friend's computer," I assured him.

He weighed the envelope, "It seems like people can take each other out with anything if their mind is set on it, guns, bombs, razor blades, it doesn't matter.I don't know what's wrong with people anymore. There's gotta' be something that can be done about it"

He stamped the postage on the envelope so hard I hoped he didn't break the CD inside. 

"There is, " I said as he pulled a book of stamps from underneath the counter. He stopped midway, staring at me, waiting for me to continue. "This isn't a gun or bomb problem, this is a heart problem."

His gaze changed from curiosity to perplexity and I went on, "The only thing that can really fix a person is a heart change and the only one who can change a person's heart is Jesus." 

Immediately his expression went dark and the conversation shut down like an off switch had just been tripped. He shoved the stamps toward me, grabbed my money and slapped the change with a bang back on the counter, then turned around and walked away. There was no, 'Can I get you anything else today?' or 'Have a nice day, Ma'am." None of that for me!

I left there with a greater realization of how offensive Jesus is to some. He is not always the answer people want to hear. Though the existence of sin in the world requires the rule of law for maintaining justice, controlling outward behavior with more rules and regulations rarely gets to the root of our dilemma. That's like putting a bandaid on a tumor. Jesus dealt with this problem constantly during his earthly ministry. He never danced around the perimeter of an issue but always went right to the heart of dealing with our brokenness.

Anytime our country is overrun by the wicked plans of men, media pundits and government officials want to guarantee us that it will never happen again. I don't believe that's possible. Jeremiah 17:9 says, " The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"  A person's actions display what is in his heart, whether good or evil. Proverbs 23:7 states, "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

Our nation is having one 'heart' attack after another and emergency intervention is desperately needed. We are under attack by people whose hearts have been overtaken by great darkness.  Other tragedies, the senseless slaughter of little children in a Connecticut school and the recent bombing of innocent bystanders at the Boston Marathon, give credence to that fact. 

The price of man's sin is always death (Romans 6:23) but God gave all of us a way out in the gift of His son, Jesus, and has set us into this historical time to be light in the midst of darkness.  So what can we do? 

~We must be certain our own heart is right before God. Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me.."

~We must know God's word in order to stand firmly in times of despair, doubt and temptation. Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

~We must pray continuously for our nation, state, leaders, churches, family, friends and not give up. Luke 18:1 "...men ought always to pray and not to faint [lose hope]."  We must also pray for our enemies even though it is not easy to do. Matthew 5:43-44  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,"

~We must overcome fear of current events with a sound mind and the power of love.  2Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

~We must be ambassadors of Christ's love one person at a time, living the Good News of the Gospel within our world of influence. 2 Corinthians 3:2-3,"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, recognized and read by everyone. It is clear that you are Christ’s letter..not written with ink but with the Spirit of the living God—not on stone tablets but on tablets that are hearts of flesh."

Counter attack the forces of evil with a heart full of Jesus, love and truth and give our nation a heart attack that will do it some good.

^{Luke 24:46-47} '[Jesus] said to them, “This is what is written: the Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and a change of heart and life for the forgiveness of sins must be preached in his name to all nations..'

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Jon has had a recliner in his room in front of his TV, where he watches his DVD’s and old VHS movies, since we moved to Florida. This particular old chair came with us from New Hampshire twelve years ago and had seen better days. It was stiff and ripped from years of overuse and no amount of scrubbing improved the look of the tan vinyl. It was time for it to go to old furniture heaven.

Those of you who’ve been around us for any length of time know we are craigslist junkies. Most every major purchase item taking up space in our home and driveway comes from craigslist. My money saving husband is a huge proponent of letting others pay full price for something, use it four times, decide they don’t want it, then sell it to him for less than half the original cost. He get’s thrills and chills from obtaining a nearly new item at a bargain. So when it was time to buy Jon a new chair, Mike visited his favorite store-craigslist.com.

We didn’t want to pay much. Jon is not very kind to his possessions, so after looking for a few weeks we finally found him a decent used recliner at a decent price, borrowed a truck from a friend and went to pick it up. At least that’s what we thought was the only purpose of this venture.

While Mike was tying the chair down inside the truck bed the woman we were purchasing it from (I’ll call her Susan) and I began chatting. In the course of our conversation she shared that she was moving and selling a lot of her furniture-“downsizing” is how she put it. Also, as often does, the question of Mike’s occupation came up and the fact that he is a pastor.

We paid her and were getting ready to hop in the truck to leave. As Susan started to walk back toward her garage she turned suddenly and called out, “Pastor Mike, Oh Pastor Mike, I wonder if you could do something for me before you go.”

I turned around, looked at her and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Do you need us to pray for you?”

She immediately dropped her face into her hands and began to sob uncontrollably. I went to her and gathered her shaking body up in my arms holding her for about three minutes while she cried all over me. When she gained enough composure to speak she half cried, half yelled, “Why did God have to take him away?!”

“Who have you lost?” I asked gently.

“My husband,” Susan wailed, grief pouring from the depths of her being, “He just died suddenly of a heart attack. He was only 62. Now he’s gone and that’s why I’m moving. That chair you’re buying is his.”

She stared at Mike, giant tears gliding down her face, like he could somehow wave a magic wand and make it all OK or at least give her an answer that made sense.

We couldn’t give her an answer of course, because we don’t know. We don’t know why people die suddenly, why tragedies occur, why things just don’t make sense sometimes but we could tell her about The Answer-Jesus. The man of sorrows who died to take every ounce of grief, heart wrenching pain and confusion we can face in this life, upon Himself to give us hope and peace. And we prayed with her, hugged her and tried our best to give her some comfort in the few minutes God divinely ordained us to be there.

As it turned out Susan did want Mike to muscle something in the garage for her that needed fixing, something that required having a man around to do. He helped her with that and she thanked him profusely. We asked her if she needed anything else, said our goodbyes with a promise to continue praying for her and left with her husband’s recliner gently shifting in the wind in the truck bed as we drove the highway home. ‘

Anytime I walk into Jon’s room, I will be reminded of a day we thought we were just going to make a purchase, but God knew of a heartbroken woman thirty miles away who needed a hug, a prayer, a ray of hope, so He set up a divine appointment - with a chair.

If you think you need a title, a platform, or a microphone, to do ministry, think again. Right this very minute opportunity to give away the love of Jesus is all around you. Ministry happens anytime, anywhere there’s you and people in need, so open your eyes, open your ears, open your heart and be aware of the “chair” moments that arise in the routine events of your every day .

I Peter 3:15 Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hopethat you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

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This morning, I spent two and a half hours at the lab, waiting to have the “vampire’ nurse (my nick name for phlebotomists :)) draw blood for my annual physical next week. At least thirty people were ahead of me when I arrived and a steady stream flowing in behind me; so many people, there weren’t enough seats for everyone.

Since this lab is the only one covered by my insurance and it closes at three everyday and is not open weekends, today was my only option. Mike has Fridays off and he was home with Jon. I knew I was in for a long wait so I signed in and settled myself with my friend’s new book, fresh off the publisher’s press last week, and delved into chapter three, where I had left off.

During pauses in reading, I realized several things:

• People are mad when they have to wait. Ninety percent of the folks in that room were fidgeting, sighing and complaining-loudly-with the two gals behind the reception desk the target of everyone’s impatience. I put my reading aside for a while and observed these two harried employees. Though overwhelmed, they were working hard to process the masses through quickly. It was obvious they were trying to hold it together, maintaining a decorum of courtesy and self control in spite of a slew of angry patients adding burden to their workload .

• People don’t entertain themselves very well. Maybe our technology has turned us into a culture of ADD types with toddler attention spans. There was only one other person in the room reading a book, oblivious to the chaos around him. No one came prepared for a long wait and that only perpetuated more impatience.

Galatians 5:22 lists patience as one of the fruit of the Spirit. If I am intentional about walking in the Spirit everyday as Galatians 5:25 exhorts, then my fruit should be coming more evident. When out in the community am I mirroring an image of Christ that reflects His glory or one that damages it? Christ followers should be the most patient people in the room, in the line, on the freeway, in the world.

The world is watching. The folks in that waiting room this morning sure were. Watching each other was the only thing they had to do. What did they see when they looked at me?

Heavenly Father, by the power of the Spirit at work in us who claim to be Your followers, may others see the good fruit of patience manifested in us everywhere we go and in everything we do. Today, we submit to Your work in our heart and life to bring us to that result.

James 1:4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

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The flaws of humanity are so blatantly obvious in many Biblical accounts and when I read this today it made me smile.

"After six days Jesus took with him Peter and James and John, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. And he was transfigured before them, and his clothes became radiant, intensely white, as no one on earth could bleach them. And there appeared to them Elijah with Moses, and they were talking with Jesus. And Peter said to Jesus, “Rabbi, it is good that we are here. Let us make three tents, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah.” For he did not know what to say, for they were terrified. And a cloud overshadowed them, and a voice came out of the cloud, “This is my beloved Son; listen to him.” Mark 9:2-8

This was a crazy, mind blowing experience for the disciples to witness and I'm not sure how I'd react if I'd been there. Elijah and Moses show up to talk to Jesus about something and Peter, of course, being the impulsive, foot-in-mouth dude that he is, has to say something even though he's scared out of his wits.

Know anybody that talks or laughs too much when they're nervous or afraid? This had to be one of those moments.

The best part of this story is God coming down in the form of a cloud, confirming that Jesus is His son, then basically telling the three disciples (probably meant mostly for mouth-running-constantly Peter) in a very, "I'm God and you're not" authoritive way to shut up and listen to Jesus.

I wonder how many times I talk when I should be listening. Are my prayers and conversations  just a shopping list of my do's, wants, plans and ideas or am I taking time to be quiet and just listen? I laugh when I read about Peter, but how much am I like him? Maybe more than I care to admit!

That's something to think on.....


James 1:19 "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak"


Proverbs 29:20 "Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him."

When we talk we learn what we already know,
When we listen, we have a chance to learn something new.- Lyman Steil

Listen or your tongue will keep you deaf-an old Proverb

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In a hungry hurry? Just drive up, place your order, exchange your payment at the window for a bagful of dinner and run.

Need money in a rush? Drive in, slide your card into the slot, press a few buttons and out pops cash. Snatch it and go.

Thirsty? Insert some loose change into the machine, select a number and a cold drink tumbles into your inpatient hands.

Drive-through establishments are icons of our smart, fast moving, multi-tasking, self serving culture. Fast foods, banks, dry cleaners, even a few churches provide busy people with instant, have-it-your-way convenience. As agreeable as this may be to our busy lifestyles, it has also contributed to a society that has come to expect immediate solutions and results in every area of life, even in areas of faith. We are not very good at waiting anymore.

I’ve been praying for several years about a few things and have yet to see results I want; in fact God appears to be silent to some of my requests. On a recent day, while whining to God about how long the answers were taking, this phrase dropped into my mind; ‘drive-through faith.’ I knew God was asking me to think about the level of faith I possess. If my faith expects quick and easy access to whatever I desire at the moment or asks for His stamp of approval on all my plans instead of His, then it isn’t faith at all.

So how are we Christ’s followers, to react when instant healing, provision, solutions aren’t forthcoming? What do we do when Heaven’s drive up window appears to be closed and the divine vending machine in the sky seems to be empty?

Hebrews chapter eleven gives us a clue. It lists the Sunday school lesson, heroes of faith that we love to remember; Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Joseph, Rahab, Gideon, Samson, Samuel and others. As if these didn’t have enough anxiety waiting for resolution of their troubles, this chapter also reminds us of many unnamed believers who faced unimaginable circumstances. Those who were poor, mistreated, oppressed, wandering, hiding, tortured, mocked, whipped, imprisoned, chained, and murdered for their faith. Verse 38 informs us “they were too good for this world,” but regardless, they were here, facing huge obstacles and faith challenges. But honestly, verse 39 is the one I’d really like to cross out of my Bible, “All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised.” Yes, they went to their graves without the magic fairy wand of blab-it and grab-it, name-it-and-claim-it faith wrapping up all their troubles in the one easy step. I have to admit, reading that doesn’t excite me.

Sometimes God gives us those wonderful instant resolutions to problems and sometimes He waits, for a long time. And then, there’s those hard to swallow moments when His answer is,”No, not this time.” Because God is sovereign, His eternal time table rarely corresponds with our earthly clock. Because God is a loving Father, He doesn’t give us everything we think we need. Trusting, believing and enduring when we don’t see the end in sight, the light at the end of a dark tunnel, is the greatest faith of all. Jesus said to His disciple, Thomas, “You believe because you have seen, but blessed are those who have not seen and still believe.” (John 20:29)

God is most interested in maturing and establishing in us, faith for the long haul. The goal is a faith that endures, solid and steady regardless of outcomes and circumstances. Faith is not one dimensional and drive-through faith is never enough to grow the endurance and discipline needed to outlast or overcome the hardships we encounter here. Quick-fix faith is exciting when it happens, but learning to balance contentment and patience with faith is essential for all the times God’s plan or timing doesn’t match our own.

Romans 4:18 says Abraham “hoped against hope”. When all hope was gone, when the impossible loomed like a mountain before him, he believed God’s promise anyway and he waited. In whatever I am hoping and longing for, God desires to grow me into a level of faith that is so natural it’s like breathing; one that relies on Him without struggle or doubt. He is calling me to a place of abiding confidence, rest, peace and absolute trust. I have the option to remain as a selfish, pouty child who doesn’t want to play anymore when things don’t go my way or submit to God’s maturing process.

Will I trust Him at all times, in all things, especially when I’m not getting the results I want right now? God is asking me to trust Him with my unresolved problems and His timing and wisdom in solving them. It's not always easy but I’m learning that the best answer is,”Yes Lord. Teach me, help me to place my hope, faith and confidence at all times, ONLY in You!”

And the apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith.” Luke 17:5

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This past week the decorating of our Christmas tree was (finally) completed, shopping was almost finished, packages were mailed out to family in far away places, we attended several fun Christmas parties and I miraculously got Jonathan out the door in time to participate in his Christmas gathering with the Joyful Noise group that meets on Tuesday afternoons.

Also in the past week, our refrigerator quit working, the kitchen sink plugged up (plumber required), my sewing machine broke in the middle of a Christmas sewing project I was working on and I haven't sent out a single Christmas card because I always make our cards and my printer isn't working.

Christmas is coming and stuff still happens. These are minor and trivial irritations compared to what others are facing this season so I will choose to be calm and thankful while we repair or replace our material goods and mourn with and pray for those who have losses they can never replace.

Let's keep our expectations for the "perfect" Christmas in proper perspective this season. I'm doing myself a small favor for the next week. For a few moments every night I'm going to turn on the tree lights and some Christmas music, take a few deep breaths and relax with a cup of tea and my feet up. And while I'm sitting there, I will be thanking the Lord for all that is good and right in my life, all that I am blessed with and by, but most of all, for sending the Light Of The World to give me salvation, hope and peace whenever I reach out to receive it. 

Won't you join me?

John 1:9-12 The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God

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We had been married one year when we moved from our hometown in upstate New York to Oregon where Mike attended college. That Christmas in 1976, far away from everything familiar, we were poor, newly married students on an incredibly restricted budget.

I found a job, in a craft store and with access to do it yourself supplies at a discount, purchased molds, cold plaster and acrylic paints. We made our own Joseph, Mary, Jesus, Shepherd Boy, sheep and Wise Men and I painstakingly painted each piece as Mike made a rough stable out of scrap wood and tree bark. Many years later, though chipped and glued in places, this nativity still reminds us of our Savior’s humble beginnings as well as our own.

Once again, the nativity set has been brought from its’ box in the storage closet. As I carefully unwrap each figure, memories of thirty-some Christmases flood my mind and tug at my heart. My nativity is cozy and serene, as most of us imagine it; Mary and Joseph smiling in a perfectly clean barn, the baby cooing happily inside a soft pile of straw while shepherds and wise men mull about whispering prayers of devotion and words of adoration over the child as sheep stand guard near the manger.

I put all the figures in their customary place and begin to wonder how many times I have missed the stark reality of the birth of Jesus with my comfy stable scene. Although there were many wonderful and miraculous moments surrounding the birth of Jesus, maybe it's about time for a Christmas reality check.

Here is a small sampling of what the first Christmas really looked like:

•Mary, a young woman losing her reputation as a virgin, in a time when women were killed for doing so, then trying to convince her family, friends and neighbors that it was God's doing. “Sure Mary, now we’ve heard everything!”

•Joseph, a man preparing to bring home a bride in all the tradition, honor and celebration of a Hebrew engagement and wedding, suddenly faced with the shock that she had been unfaithful to him. Under the circumstances, they probably had to forgo the joyful wedding celebration they had been planning and marry quietly.

•The shame and reproach on both families, as Mary's belly became obviously large, with everyone believing the couple did not have the proper restraint to wait and had to fabricate an outlandish story to cover their indiscretion.

•A long and difficult trip, from Nazareth to Bethlehem to pay taxes (About 80 miles, most likely walking or on a donkey, while pregnant. And we complain? At least we can pay ours by mail or online).

• Giving birth to their first child in a stable far from home and away from the support and help of family and friends.

•Running for their lives to Egypt when they hear of King Herod’s plan to find and kill Jesus.

Jesus arrived on this earth right smack in the middle of every circumstance and emotion we experience: reproach, shame, gossip, fear, worry, difficulty, uncertainty and inconvenience.

There must have been moments when Mary wondered if she heard right. Is this really God’s Son or was I dreaming about that angel? Shouldn’t having God’s child should make life easier, bring less pain, heartache and difficulty?

No. The ultimate plan was for Immanuel to truly be God With Us in every way possible. Our peaceful nativity scenes and misconceptions of the first Christmas often cause us to overlook the incredible human difficulty and divine sacrifice of this event.

Christ came in a way so opposite of what the people of his day envisioned, most did not recognize him. The prophets had long foretold the coming of the Messiah and every Hebrew boy and girl understood He could come in their lifetime. But they, like us, with limited comprehension of God's ways, pictured Him arriving in the way all kings come, born of royalty into a physical kingdom, reigning from a palace and conquering over every evil ever perpetrated against God's chosen ones.

They did not understand His kingdom was one of righteousness, peace and joy and only those of great faith knew He had arrived at all.

Our own culture tends to paint Christmas as some dreamy, romantic, Hollywood event with 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire', 'Walking in a winter wonderland' and 'From now on our troubles will be miles away', threaded through the songs we love.

We dream of smiling families dressed in their holiday finest, crooning words of encouragement and love to each other around an elaborate dinner table or Christmas tree and well behaved children patiently waiting to open another gift, saying thank you every time another round of wrapping paper is removed.

Media and advertisers make Christmas a feel-good occasion too, creating euphoria and lofty expectations, then when our own experience doesn't measure up to these illusions, we are completely deflated and depressed.

Christmas isn’t about a romantic, nostalgic feeling, as wonderful as that may be, but about Jesus diving into our chaos and shame to rescue us and show us a better way to live. He came to this planet, wore a robe of skin and traveled from the nativity to the cross so we would know without hesitation; God is with us, always and in everything.

Whatever life throws at us also belongs to Him. He has tasted, felt and touched it so we can trust Him in and with all of it.

Immanuel, God with me and you!

Matthew 1:23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).

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